"10 Wrong Reasons To Get Married"

(me on my wedding day, marrying Gods best. IT was WORTH the wait!)

This is an area that so many of my ladies struggle with INCLUDING myself. I was actually scared of marriage for awhile because I knew that I had to submit to my one-day husband & I had a hard time meeting guys that I felt were WORTH submitting to 100%. So, take a peek inside of my journal really quick & lets get started.

My journal
Nov 13 2008

Me: Ughh I would of totally been married by now if my ex had it together
God: you would of totally been out of the will of God for your life.

**When God told me that, I laughed-- it's so like Him to correct me & my little discontentment. I'm thankful that He shut certain doors on relationships because NOW I see that my marriage was MORE than just legal sex. It has PURPOSE. My husband and I are taking on 10,000 & we have a MINISTRY of helping others, especially in the areas of dating, courting & relationships. Would I of had this in other relationships? Probably not. We sure wasn't waiting to kiss until our wedding day. Jus sayin'.
(side note: My hubby & I connected after he walked by me for 3 years at church.. on Jan 3 2009..about 2 months after the above! :) )

So, my first first message I preached was 10 wrong reasons to get married.. I decided to blog them as well. :) You can check out the message after you read the top reasons-- of course I elaborated on when I preached, so it's worth checking out if you found yourself in any of these places.

Wrong reasons to get married..

1. Your lonely.. and you've jumped from relationship to relationship or friend to friend, job to job.. to fulfill some type of inner void that only can be filled by God. Not sure if your lonely? Spend a week by yourself and listen to what comes out of you when your all alone.. I did this when I was single & was SCARED of myself. I was so empty & SO lonely at one point.
Void Fillers Examples: shopping, man, jobs, food, exercise or whatever else you depend on when you're feeling emotional. Whenever I would get lonely as a single woman, I knew that it was God calling me back to a closer relationship with HIM. He wanted my heart & I wanted to give my heart to randoms.

2. Fear of being alone- - You can't leave yourself, so you may as well get to know you!! You won't go out to the movies alone or to a really nice restaurant with Jesus and your bible. Be free! Learn to enjoy YOURSELF! What happens is..when you get married, you put that responsibility on that man and your issue is to big for him to handle, and he's not equipped to take on the cares of you! That's why Jesus lived, died and rose for you!

3. Depression- You better get in the only One that can remove those negative emotions! Recognize that wrong thinking is weighing you down and get away from those negative words that are determining your thinking. Stop using band aids to cover up all your emotional issues! I'm very honest with God when I say.. You know what, I'm needy, hot-mess.. I'm a desperate woman and I need your help in this area, and that area. I sure cannot do it without you and YOU said if I lack wisdom in any area, u would give it to me if I asked in faith (James 1) . So I thank you for being my Jehovah Shalom! YOU are my peace!
SO get honest with God about WHERE you are. Confessing it reveals it & GOD heals it.

4. You got prego out of wedlock.. and then ran and had a shotgun wedding..and said "WOW.. I got prego so fast.." lying..but that baby was already there! Then after you have that child those same feelings come back that you that had about that person you were dating. You weren't READY to get married!
Getting to the root of this is important. Its like opening up 6pk of oreo's. You eat one, and say you're only going to eat one, but then you have another, then you're watching tv and you smash the whole pack.. With sexual immorality- its the same thing!! Kissin leads to tongue kissing.. Which leads to rubbin' layin'.. Tryin' and lasciviousness or an inability to stop! We can't take old poisoned ways of thinking and bring it into our new relationships!!
Then you rationalize, like he loves me, I'm the only one he's doing it with- plus we repent and take communion afterward. Then you end up back in the bed!!! If you KEEP doing the same' thing--you'll get the SAME results. Take your tail HOME. As Christians, we must set boundaries and stick to them! One foot in the world and one foot in the kingdom is cancelling each other out which leaves you... In the same position! Then, you end up preggers. Don't let a growing belly make you think that you have to make emotional life-time decision.

5. Desperation- You are getting older and want to have kids so you settle for some Ishmael that's sorta-saved.. You better WAIT and cast down those thoughts that are contrary to the word by speaking the word over your life! You'll end up either super unhappy, trying to control & change your guy or divorced, hurt & hardended towards God.. but HE is the one who told you not to marry the random in the first place.. Give your hurts to Jesus. Let Him heal you. Don't turn from the only ONE that can make you WHOLE.

6. Insecurity- These issues will rise up in your marriage.. whatever you DON'T deal with now will amplify 100x in your marriage. Checkin' his phone?? You don't trust him!! Why are you with him? That little seed of checkin homies phone is gonna grow if you don't get to the root of it! Stop cutting off the blade of every situation!! Get deeper! Is it that you're carrying baggage from past relationships?? That other man hurt you so now you wanna be controlling so the next one won't.. Or you really don't think he's "like" that, but you still check his phone anyway, just in case. The question is.. What are you bringing to the table??! Besides some cute shoes and a good weave?!! Pass the tests on the inside of you and the fruit will come! The last thing a man wants, married or unmarried is a insecure woman! Know who you are in Christ! Receive the right standing He gave you when he died for you!

7. Money- He has money and you want someone to come and save you like superman.. and wipe out all of your debt. Why don't you get honest about yourself and your finances and tell God you need HELP in that area?! Do the natural and stop spending money on DUMB stuff! Statistic's show that 50% of marriages don't last with Money being one of the main reasons for divorce. Money is temporary. That's why God tells us to keep our eyes on HIM alone & on heavenly things.

8. You're a mama's or daddy's girl and you're used to people taking care of you.. so you want your man to be your daddy but after that person nags you all day, then taps on your shoulder at night for sex.. you don't want to have sex with a father figure! yuck! A man can look into your eyes and tell that you're NEEDY and that taking you on is a full responsibility.

9. Because YOU are burning with passion for some sex. You better deal with that spirit of lust before you get married because it'll creep back up during your marriage. Yeah, Paul said if you cannot contain yourself to marry.. but if you flip back to Malachi 2:16 it says that God hates divorce.. so if you're going to get married you better make sure that Jesus is all up in it. If you got divorced, don't beat yourself down-- move on & live for Christ like it's your last breath.
10. You aren't whole and you want someone to make you feel better about you. God can truly fulfill of your desires! He can do it so much better than you!

With all of THAT being said..
If you found yourself in the above.. don't beat yourself down. Evaluate your heart. WHY do you do what you do? If you say you love God, your life will show. Let your focus to be to LOVE God with your heart. If that's your primary focus.. you wont' have to worry about ANY of the above. God's GRACE is sufficient. TRUST HIM.
God loves you like crazy,

Heather Lindsey

Can Guys & Girls Be .. Just Friends?

 Sooooo many people ask me this questions. Can guys & girls be friends? I'll give you the straight up answer and then I'll back myself up.

No.

You heard it right. ME personally.. I don't believe that guys & girls can really be friends. Understand that I'm coming from a wife's perspective. But when I was a single woman, I didn't really have a bunch of guys as my friends. They were more-so acquaintances. They were guys from my church and we would all go out in a large group with girls & guys and we would hang out then. There wasn't a ton of 1:1 friendships going on. Now, as a wife- I'm cool with my friend's husbands and when we're all amongst each other--we will converse, but I'm not calling or emailing them on the side.

Let's be clear:
The Bible does not forbid close friendships between men and women. As Christians, however, there are some principles that we would be wise to heed. Married people especially need to be wary of friendships with members of the opposite sex because temptations are more likely to arise when there are marital problems. If a man's best friend is a woman who is not his wife, he is likely to share these problems with her, which can lead to an unhealthy emotional attachment.

Most married men (or women) who have affairs purposely go out to find a romantic interest outside of their marriage. So many people say, "I didn't mean for it to happen; it just happened." These things "just happen" when we put ourselves in situations that are difficult to control. When a man has a wife who is not necessarily very attentive to his needs, he could easily feel that he has fallen in love with another woman who does give him this attention he craves. And LADIES, don't even think "this won't happen to you"--As a wife, you're GOING to get tested and that "guy friend that is always there for you"--is going to fill a void in your heart if your husband who you see all the time is driving you nuts. In a vulnerable state--you WILL cross boundaries. So there is NO option for me. It's Jesus & my husband. WHY create extra wars in your mind & think that you have a back up plan when your mad at your spouse? (This goes for those of you in relationships too)

Even a marriage that is built on a foundation of faith in Christ and has relatively few problems is not immune to extra-marital temptations. This is why the Bible does not tell us to stick around and try to fight temptation, but to flee from it like we do from all "youthful lusts" (2 Timothy 2:22). Trying to fight temptation seems to become especially difficult when it comes to matters of the heart or the lusts of the flesh. First Corinthians 6:18 tells us that we need to run away from sexual sin, because it is much easier to run away from temptation than to stay and fight it.

Married men and women should carefully avoid putting themselves in compromising situations when it comes to the opposite sex. If they are seen together in public, it will give the wrong impression. If they are alone on the phone or in person, they will subject themselves to the temptation of an emotional or physical affair. The Bible tells us that everything we do should be for the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31), so the wise thing would be to stick to visiting as couples or "double dating" with other married couples, as opposed to risking the complications associated with close friendships with the opposite sex

So if you're single and thinking--this doesn't apply to me. I'm not married. This is how it applies to
you.

Guys & Girls

1. Their mindset is different- They communicate differently. A guy may be just being nice to a woman for YEARS and she may secretly like him and hope that one day he does ask her out. So if you're being nice.. she may catch feelings. Either way, she's emotionally connected to you.

2. It is natural for a man to be attracted to a woman and vice versa. Although you're friends.. you'll find things about each other that are attractive to one another. There's not enough boundaries to put in place to stop that next level from happening. So, YOU may not like him but how do you know if you're on the same page? He may secretly like you & won't tell you because he knows that your friendship could be ruined. If you go around and ask most men if they would "get with their female friends"--they would say YES, if she let me.
Check out this funny youtube clip that I found----> called "Why Women & Men Can't Be Friends"

3. A friend is supposed to keep you accountable and a friend is caused to keep you sharp a man needs to be sharpened by a man and a woman needs to be sharpened by a woman because they are of like mind. There's NO way that a man can tell me or help me understand why my hormones rage 1x a month and how I can deal with it. Just sayin'. :)

4. What happens when you do get into a relationship? There may be conflict between your "best male or female friend" and your now girlfriend or boyfriend. For example, if you're dating a guy and his female best friend hates you--it puts everyone in an awkward situation. But men, if the woman you're dating is someone you want to marry one day--your "best friend" is going to have to understand that she is going to have to be friends with your girlfriend in order for her to continue her friendship with your YOU. If the person refuses to be friends with your girl--then they have disqualified themselves from your life.

5. What about those secret affections for you? He's just friends.. she's my "homegirl."--and deep down.. she's thinking.. I want to be with you so the friendship is hurting her. So you become his back-up friend. You hang out with him a TON while he's single but as soon as he gets into a relationship--he stops spending time with you and starts spending time with his new girl. Then, you feel stupid because you really care.

So yes, maybe when you're 8, you can be friends with your neighbor of the opposite sex. However, we ALL know how those hormones get kicking in after that age & they become prospects.

Some of you may disagree but MOST of you have an end goal to be married one day. If you really want to be married one day--spare yourself all of that drama. If you ask ANY husband or wife--they will tell you that they aren't comfortable with their husband or wife having a best friend of the opposite sex. I don't are how you flip it.. there's still that nagging uncomfortable feeling. It's not jealousy, it's a holy righteous jealousy that is rightfully so. A marriage is powerful covenant & it's to be protected.

Go out in groups with guys  and girls & be kind to them. My husband & I went out in groups while we dated. You can best see a person's true colors in groups because they aren't putting on a private show to impress you. OUT of those groups--yes--1:1 dating can happen FROM a friendship. But you must court with a purpose.If you need advice from a male perspective, get on the phone with a husband/wife couple that are Christians and that are committed to helping you. Men, find another guy that can pour into you & help you out. If you don't have any.. ever thought about asking God? He's your PROVIDER. He has your back!

Also, my husband is my best friend. NOW. We courted with the intention to MARRY. We knew that we were going to head down that road so we were "friends" with a purpose. Any guy friend I used to be friends with .. is now friends with my husband. It just is.. what it is.

God loves you like crazy!!!

Love,
Heather