Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Why I Said "NO" To His Engagement Proposal"

I am married and I've never said no to my husband's wedding proposal. Actually, I fell to my knees, cried and we actually waited to kiss until our wedding day when my now husband proposed to me. I was so excited!.

But, prior to him, I did say no-- a couple times to men I once dated. 

I said no to men prior to him for a few important reasons that I really want you, single woman to consider. Understand that marriage is supposed to be forever and you don't want to marry someone out of fear or because you're afraid of being alone. When I was in these unhealthy relationships, I was searching for value or worth. I was searching for affirmation. I was searching for wholeness. I was searching for fulfillment. I was searching for happiness. I was searching for love. 


I kept coming up empty. 

So, I got into a relationship with someone and we were together for awhile. But, I wasn't totally sold on him. I continued to stay in the relationship because I felt like he hit on my basic needs in a relationship. He was affectionate, nice, kind and giving. He said he loved Jesus and he served at church. Not only that, he assured me that the Lord called him into ministry one day. Perfect fit right? I kinda, sorta thought so. One thing was missing. 

My peace. 

"Lord, help me understand!? I mean, I don't see any other guys around and I think I want to marry him? I mean, I'm not totally sold on him, nor do I respect him as a man, but it works... God, I

So, we begin to move forward and discuss marriage. My heart constantly said no. My mind says no and my gut says no. But, I'm in my twenties.. my friends are getting married & I sure don't feel like starting over. 

So, he asks me and I tell him no. Then I tell him to stop asking me! I was AFRAID of marriage! What was I doing? I was buying time and stringing him along which was SO wrong. 

I said no to marriage to him because:

1. I didn't respect him as a man. I didn't believe in him and it didn't matter how much money he had or where he was working, I knew all of those things were temporary. I needed a man with vision, I needed someone I could believe in if he LOST all temporary things on this earth. When my now husband and I got married, he had a very high position at his old job. 3 months into our marriage-- God told him to leave his job and move to Mississippi and study the bible. HUH? You mean, God told you not to work and to just study & spend time with Him? To the natural eye, it may sound crazy but I believed in my husband and I still do. He would spend 10-12 hours a day with studying His bible. One year later, we started Pinky Promise. One year and a half later, we moved back to Atlanta and we started The Gathering Oasis- Church. God was preparing us. So, let me ask you this sis: If he wants to pack up and move to Alaska, will you be shopping for snow boots or will you nag him until he doubts what God told him?

2. I didn't have peace. The man pushed me away from Jesus and I clearly made our relationship my god. There was no standards. There were no boundaries. We had sex outside of marriage. It was emotionally led. It was controlling. My thing is this, if you led our relationship to SEX (fornication)-- a fruit of the FLESH, then what will our marriage look like? If I'm going to submit to you-- I need to know that YOU know where we are going and that you can properly lead me.  

3. I wasn't getting better as a woman. In Ephesians 5:25 it says "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her  to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." Ok, I had to ask myself this question:  Was this man presenting me as a radiant church without spot or wrinkle? Um. No. Granted, I had a part to play too- I could have said "no" to the sex outside of marriage. But it was hard. I told him I didn't want to kiss until our wedding day and I quickly learned that he tried to kiss me everywhere else BUT on my face. Really? It takes TWO people to be on the SAME page. Amos 3:3 says that how can TWO people walk together unless they agree?? It's not enough for one person to want purity & the other person to want sex. Guess what, he's going to make you stumble sis. Let him go because it's much easier to pull you off the chair than it is to pull you up onto it. 
4. He wasn't a leader. Well, maybe he was a leader? But he sure wasn't leading me and I knew that he wouldn't lead my one day son that he wanted to have & I refused to birth a generation of wimpy men. Remember that you marry his mindset & his ways and he pours that into your kid, if he's around. 

5. I didn't trust him. Because he couldn't keep his hands off of me, we kept breaking up. Then I would find that he would run back to other women. Clearly, he had the same problem that I once had-- allowing humans to fill my voids. So, what would happen when our "marriage" hit a rough spot?? Would you run off to your co-worker?

6. I wasn't attracted to him. You have to wake up and love who you're looking at. I took all of the above + the fact that I wasn't attracted to him. I understand that physical ain't everything. It's FAR from it, but I wanted to be attracted to my one-day husband. 

7. I didn't like his friends. Lets just be honest, you are a reflection of your friends. His friends were playboys and loved to hang out and party. So, you can imagine how his bachelor party would look like.. strippers & all. I wanted a man that had accountability in his relationships and those men pushed him closer to the Lord. Even his "friends" at church were so carnal, I wasn't a believer. 

8. He was so secretive. If you cannot communicate and get on the same page as me while we are in a relationship, then our marriage will be in shambles. Communication wasn't a HUGE deal breaker, but after the top 7 things, I knew he wasn't it. This pairs with the leadership thing. I just don't know where we are going or if we are going to live in 10 different places in a 3-month span because I watch your life & it's so unstable. 

9. He was somebody else's husband. As I shared in "Where is my Adam" I believe that God allowed that door to be closed because it wasn't Gods will that we were to be together. Even if your relationship seems so perfect, if it's not God's will- you won't be doing what HE wants you to do. Especially if your man isn't saved. If you try to change him once you get the ring-- that man will resent the God that you serve and hate both of you. 

10. God told me no. I talked about "How to Hear God's voice" and I KNEW God was telling me NO. He was showing me WARNING signs & I never had a "good" feeling about walking down the aisle with this guy. Sis, I encourage you to tell that man NO! Even if you've already said yes. Even if the invites have been sent out. Even if you've already booked the venue. Yes, it may be hard to do it, but you'll either have a broken engagement or a broken marriage where you now include children.

A ring and a marriage ain't everything. Living for Jesus and giving our whole hearts to Him is everything. So, if you're in a relationship that you're not supposed to be in-- I encourage you to break it off and ask the Lord to give you boldness and help to keep your decision, even when you're lonely. Learn to trust God sis, I know it's hard but He is jealous for the time & the attention you give these guys! 

The worst feeling for a woman is to walk down the aisle to a man that God never told her to be with. She will remember that feeling forever. Walk down that aisle with peace instead. 

If if you did marry a man that you have no peace with, you will experience attacks that someone else may not have to go through. There is a cost to pay for disobeying God, BUT God can still use your marriage. Win your guy over with your quiet & gentle spirit & pray earnestly that God would save him.

God loves you like crazy. 
Heather Lindsey 

Just a few things:

1. I  opened up a Pinky Promise Boutique!!! Think fashionable, fabulous purity rings, cross bracelets, journals, statement necklaces & so much more  for women! Check it out via

2. We have developed an APP! Think: daily post notifications + weekly devotionals, recipes and so much more! It's out NOW for iphones + Androids. Under Heather & Cornelius Lindsey: Today With the Lindsey's

3.  If you live in Atlanta, I want to invite you to our church. Join us on Sundays at 11:00am at Landmark Art Cinemas. Our churches name is: "The Gathering Oasis"  931 Monroe Drive NE Atlanta, GA.

4. My book is selling like crazy! I'm so thankful for all of you that have supported! Check it out here: My New Book! Pink Lips & Empty Hearts: AND my new book, "A Perfect Recipe" here!

5. Register for the 2014 Pinky Promise in Atlanta, GA! It sold out last year, so you don't want to miss out!

6. As always, you can join a Pinky Promise group locally! There's about 20,000 ladies that have joined! Find a group near you by joining & checking out the intro page! Join

7. We are hosting a Marriage Retreat in August & a Single Retreat in October & so far, both events are almost sold out! We would LOVE to meet you! Join us via under events!

Our wedding day! :) Eating prior to meeting the guests!


  1. thanks so much for sharing! i think #10 - God told u no was b/c of #9 - he was someone else's husband and the rest of them resulted from those two...i think #9 is so important for our youth to get, even in discussing sexual purity...that's someone else's gift from God to their spouse and i don't want that sacred God-given gift marred. i said no to my ex-boyfriend, as well, but we didn't maintain sexual purity and i regret dipping into his future wife's gift from God. anyhow, thanks n be blessed.

  2. 2 questions in response to your GREAT article...
    1- What happens if you marry the person your gut and God told you you shouldn't?
    2- Can a woman/man marry someone else's spouse? If so, what then?

    1. 1. Once you are married, there is no going back. Confess your disobedience to God and ask him for the grace to love your spouse and God will answer.
      2. Its not about marrying someone else's spouse, its about marrying someone you KNOW is not suitable for you.
      God is not a fan of random divorce. So regardless of how you got married, invite Jesus into your marriage and learn how to make it work. Even perfectly suited couples have to work at keeping their love alive.

  3. Thank you so much for sharing Heather! God bless you&&your family.

  4. I'm not married, but at one point I thought I had commitment issues. Guys would try to talk to me, but I never felt peace in my soul when it came to them pursuing a relationship with me. This was before I submitted to God. Now that I know God I know that I will hear His voice when my Adam and I meet.

  5. Love so true! Prior to Luis, I dated 3 other guys, 1 of them seriously. I remember getting that uneasy "uh oh" feeling whenever I thought of a future with him. I felt totally different when I started dating Luis. It is so important to have a relationship with Christ...He will speak to us when it is right. God's timing is truly perfect!

  6. Excellent article! I had to say no last year and I don't regret it!

  7. Thank you so much! I feel like this is a sign coming form God! I am living EXACTLY the same thing you went through with your other relationship and I just thank God for putting this in your heart for you to share it with us. I also thank you for listening to what you believe God wanted you to do; write your story and share it. I needed this more than anything else and I know now what I have to do. God bless!

  8. What does it mean to have a quiet and gentle spirit?

  9. Omg....I totally feel this

  10. Thanks for sharing

  11. Beautiful story!!! ♥

  12. This really hit home for me. I'm in tears right now. But I did marry that man & I am now lost.

  13. Girl,this is soooo timely!!!God wanted me to hear this so I could cast my decision in stone!!!Thnx much God,u r ALWAYS on time!!!

  14. Heather, great post, but one question, sometimes after reading your post it's like your husband had All these things in the beginning, what about the growth of a man. Now, I understand being unequally yoke, the sex , but some brothers are perhaps not the best leader now but will grow. It just seem like we are looking for the perfect man from a checklist! I understand the deal breakers, yet after the sexual boundaries and proper courting, where is the room for the man to grow?

    1. Hello!
      Maybe you understood differently? My husband wasn't any of the things above! Not one. Check out "How I knew my Husband Was the One" and that should give you clarity! We should have deal breakers, yes-- but we should be led by the Holy Spirit and the peace He gives us. I had no peace in past relationships.

  15. I have read this, and said to myself,"read it again!" This is my problem... I too married him. After we got married, the representative left, and this list began to build. First it was 1,2,4,5,and 8 that came to the table. Then, 2,3, and 10. In hindsight, I think I had #10 somewhere close to the beginning, but was blinded. I have tried to figure out what to do, but this passage states exactly what I have been doing. Being Bold enough to stand for what I believe should be right. I prayed for us, but not to question God. I get mixed messages. Sometimes it is said not to interfere with what God is trying to remove from your life if it isn't right, and other times it is said to pray for this to work out and stay in it. There is no physical harm done, but only that there is an emotional separation from my oldest son (not his) and our youngest. This brings me no peace to my heart as to the fact I do not separate my love for my boys. In our separation, he actually doesn't show any change to wanting to build a relationship with him. He only caters to the son we have together. This is not right if we are to be ONE!

  16. Right on time!!!! Literally went through this a few weeks ago. I didn't have that peace but I'm glad its over now. I don't know what the future will hold but I'm trusting God.

  17. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW is all that I can say! Sister, you really hit the nail on the head and I truly believe that it is the Holy Spirit that lead you to share this with us. I must confess, I have eyes full of tears right now. I am confident that God wanted me to read this message. It has so much meaning within it. What a testimony and eye opener. You see, I married the man that I was with for many years. He was my first everything and has been my only. We married in October of 2009 and before getting married our relationship was already on rocky grounds. He appeared to have changed, and I am sure that he may say the same for me, but it's evident that he did not. I prayed about it and I asked God to lead me because I was not strong enough to lead myself. Although I know now that God did not direct me; it was my own wants, I went ahead and married him. Now, here we are four years later and we are in the process of a DIVORCE. This is not the man that God had already written for me to married. He surely is not the man that is supposed to be my husband. I can say this without any doubt, my wants got in the way of God's plan and caused me to thing selfishly and not Godly.

    1: I did not respect him as a man for many reason; one being his words had no weigh. He would say one thing and do the absolute opposite. I did not believe in him because he was not in control of his life; his mother had more say so in the life decisions than he did himself.

    2: I have never had peace within our relationship since the first year of us being together and we were together for a long 13 years. After the first year things just always bothered me; I always felt that it was something standing in between us and for sure it was. Although he loves Jesus, he does not love him enough to turn away from the things of this world to walk on the narrow rode that Christ has prepared. We too had sex outside of marriage that I feel that this caused us to be tied in bondage and our union to never be blessed. It's either God's way or no way.

    3: As a woman, I was not prospering because I was more focused on him and what he wanted.; See, I was a college student and my life centered around school and work. He would always tell me that I am too career driven and too goal oriented which at times made me doubt myself. Was I doing the right thing by putting my husband on the back burner for school and work. Ha ha! How persuasive can manipulators be?

    4: He was not a leader in Christ. As I mentioned before, he knew God well, could possibly recite the Bible from front to back, but he did not live accordingly. If you're not going to lead me closer to Christ then, in my eyes, you're not leading.

  18. Continued................ 5: Because he never kept his word and because he always found a way to be verbally abusive, I could not trust him. I still do not trust him and we are not together.

    6: Although I was attracted to him physically, I was not attracted to his distractions and lust; he lusted over women to the point of insanity. That was definitely not an attraction to me.

    7: His friends were very persuasive. He was in a bind once and non of his friends pulled through. Mind you, when he was removed from the bind, they were all in his face and he in theirs. Instead of him being committed to the one who was there through thick and then he was more committed and connected with those who left him at the drop of a dime.

    8: Most of what he did was secretive, except for with his mother. Communication is the KEY to any relationship including the relationship that you have with God, You must talk to him and listen to his voice for answers.

    9: God has everything planned for everyone of us. Eventhough I thought that this was the man that God had to by my husband, I was wrong. God has someone else, out here in this world somewhere, for me. I really wonder who he is. I know that he will be awesome.

    10: God told me NO many times. First, we broke up after being together for two years, Secondly, I moved out of the city to another city for College and completely dropped communication with him. Then, got himself in some trouble and was away from me physically for years....many years. We kept in contact, was able to see each other, but was not able to be with each other. I truly believe this was God's sign that I needed to let him be. Instead of listening to God, I ignored his signs and words.

    After all of this the only thing that I have that is beneficial and loving from this is my daughter. She is everything that I ever needed and I am very grateful that God gave me her.

  19. It's amazing how sometimes we can just stumble across posts like this exactly when we need it! I saw this on a friend's facebook and happened to click through to read it...I'm with (basically) the guy you described and it is the hardest situation because in many ways, he seems so right...but I feel uneasy and don't know how I could walk down the aisle with him eventually. I am praying for strength and discernment, but oh, is it hard. Thanks for sharing these thoughts - it may be God tapping at my window telling me that I need to feel peace.

  20. I am a guy and must take my hat off to you madam! Am aiming to be an Ephesians man so that my future wife will be blessed and lifted up by me. I will do all i can to make her shine. That is true selflessness. Thinking of her as highly as is possible, loving her as sacrificially as I can.

  21. I sooooo bless the Lord for you! Thank you for your honesty and obedience to the Lord! You have helped me tremendously! May you and your husband be forever blessed!

  22. all I have to say to you Ms.Heather is thank you for sharing your heart with other young women.My daughter posted this article on FB and text me saying "mom please read"and boy did it blow me away.My daughter is my princess and when her father passed away she was the tender age of 14 I knew I had to protect her heart from that little boy who would come along and whisper those three little words that all little girls want to hear.Thankfully I planted her on good soil(God"s word)yes she had this one boyfriend who pushed to much for intimacy and she knew this boy was not saved so she removed herself from him.I remember crying and praying that God would entervene and show her this is not her prince and he did..Today she is a young lady in waiting for her prince.She knows that she wants him to search so hard for her that he has to come to the father to ask for her..again thank you and God continue to bless in all you do.

  23. I absoltely loooove this blog post! I would love to feature you and this post on my blog! The entire topic was spoken so well on how so many women feel right now! I love, I thank God that he brought you the person that was designed just for you! God bless!

  24. I felt like I was watching a movie while reading your post. It was right on time, and I have re-read it numerous times. Thank you "#3 I wasn't getting better as a woman." and #10 God told me no. Hit home

  25. I would love to join the singles retreat. Thank you for this divine post!

  26. Hey been following yo stories,m so thankful I got to learn a lot on them,well I also had the past of getting unstable relationships,out of all relationships I got intimate with 2 guys and now I moved on now I got a new guy,we been dating for 2 and half years now.we are having a distance love am in our country,him is working in a foreign country.we got intimate after 1year of dating,wen ever he com hom wen we meet we do it,bt now I don't feel it ok,so I told him that I want us to stop doing it and I want us to do all after marriage.I feel I want to honor my GOD ,so I sent him yo link to check it out,so he will tell me wats his decision on that.... I lov this guy and m ready to marry him bt now he is saving some money so we can get I don't know how long will it take him to save in africa and my culture requires him to pay dowry,as for me I want GOD to b our path to our marriage and I want to get married in GOD's way.but his finances are kinda limiting.I nolonger want anymore dates am now tired of dates .I feel m now ready to get married.will be turning 30 this year. Thank u so much,GOD bless u Heather.

  27. I am in this situation now and this definitely helped.

  28. That's a good advice to find the right one to be married.

  29. Just came upon this...thank you Heather! What you described was my life for 7 years and I am happy now because I was obedient to God!

  30. I have experienced this lack of peace before and broke off an engagement because of it. The issue i am facing now is i am dating a wonderful Christian man with an exemplary character who loves and serves the Lord as i do......but lately i HAVE NO PEACE! I am starting to wonder if i will ever feel peace in a relation ship....why would God be leading me to break off yet another relationship??..i am already 37 years old...the thought of going through the heart break, loneliness etc again is unbearable. Any advice is welcomed.

    1. There are things worse than loneliness, like being out of the will of God. He will help you with the loneliness and heart break if you are sincerely in His will. He knows about heart ache and loneliness, that's what he feels when you are away from Him, doing your own thing.

  31. Well needed blog. Definitely have been going through this in this season. I am so glad I was led to read this. God bless you!

  32. Relevant and on time for me today!!! I don't have peace about this guy that is pursuing me. He says that God said I'm his wife, but God has not told me that. He tells me that God doesnt have to tell me and that I should walk by faith in this relationship. I don't want a future with him for many reasons. He loves God, but I feel like I would be settling if we become one. He also runs from woman to woman trying to fill a void in his life.

  33. I can't believe that I am reading this post 3years late. I have been crying. For a very long time I have berated myself for getting married to the wrong person. I saw a lot of red flags, but kept telling myself that I wasn't capable of loving anyone and thus shod have 'faith' that his proposal was for good. I was in a very busy stage of my life so I didn't focus too much on our upcoming marriage . I just prayed for success in our wedding preps. 3yrs of being married and I can't shake of the feeling that I should not have married, esp this man. I have prayed to God for forgiveness and asked for the grace to love and allow Him work His grace in our marriage. But it is hard and I don't see that help form God. Every time there is some stuffs that arise and I can't take it anymore. My only fear is that my child grows up in a loveless marriage or a broken home. I am lost as to what to do now. This man has also given up on making our marriage work.


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