Tuesday, December 23, 2014

"Why Most People Waste Their Single Life"

Can I let you in on a very real conversation I had with my husband tonight?

Me: Babe, I have a speaking engagement in September in this certain state. 

Cornelius: Is it confirmed? 

Me: No, they just requested me. 

Cornelius: We will have a newborn and a 2 year old. Heather, I know you want to help people and I get it but we can't be so focused on going on the road that we aren't taking care of our home.
*Sorry, I didn't announce it here, but I am pregnant! :) Due early July 2015*

Me: Wait, what babe? I never leave the home unkept!

Cornelius: I know Heather, but things are changing now. Your family is a priority before your speaking engagements. If you travel on Friday or Saturday, then I would have to study with 2 babies and then get them ready for church. So, if you plan on going or you really feel led to go to a certain one, make sure that my mom or someone is here to keep the babies so we can keep this ship moving.

Me: You're right. I will adjust and make sure that I'm taking as many and I will be sure to be led by the Lord.

My family 

As soon as our conversation finished, this scripture grew in my heart:

1 Corinthians 7:33-35
I should like you to be free of anxieties. An unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord.
But a married man is anxious about the things of the world, how he may please his wife,
and he is divided. An unmarried woman or a virgin is anxious about the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy in both body and spirit. A married woman, on the other hand, is anxious about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.
I am telling you this for your own benefit, not to impose a restraint upon you, but for the sake of propriety and adherence to the Lord without distraction.

You maybe thinking, "HEATHER! That is NOT fair! How is he going to tell you that you cannot take as many speaking engagements? Why can't you just take one kid with you? Why not this.. why not that? How is he gonna CONTROL you?! Nobody should control you! 

Well, to answer that question: 

Matthew 11:5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?

My  husband and I are one flesh. YOU lose the right to be "independent" of him or her when you get married. You have a responsibility to ANSWER to someone else. You left your family, your single life, your ways, your mindset, your decisions and you become ONE flesh with your spouse. And.. if you do run off & ignore what they say..

Mark 3:25 And if a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.

Amos 3:3 How can two walk together unless they agree?

So if you continue in your separate thinking, your house will be divided and it won't stand. There will be frustration, confusion and sorrow. WHY bring that independent, rebellious attitude into a marriage? Then, when you have kids.. they will feel the wrath and so will your spouse who feels like a single parent. This is why you make sure you discuss these things before the ring. I knew that my husband was a family man (as I'm family woman) & I knew that the priority was family first, THEN ministry. He didn't want a wife that was out of the home for 90 hours a week, so I wasn't surprised. Same goes from me to him. I didn't want a husband that traveled and was out of the home for 90 hours a week. I didn't want a man that was NEVER at home. I didn't want a man that never came home at night. 

Even in the above, I was tempted to think the same way as many of you that read that first part until the birth of our son Logan. Then, I realized how much he needs his mama. I realized that God gave me a responsibility to raise and teach Logan and I cannot push that responsibility off on mama in law & them. I'm still breastfeeding Logan at 21 months and when I'm away, I have to pump, prepare and travel with the milk. When I'm not at home, there's a missing piece in our household.  I put down Logan every night for bed and I enjoy these moments that we can never get back. We have a church and a local responsibility so on Sundays, I get our son ready and I'm up with him at night. I want my husband to be prepared and alert to preach on Sunday morning. My family needs me. What good am I if I run all over the world to help everybody else but I'm neglecting to take care of my first responsibility, my FIRST ministry, my HOME?

Titus 2:4-5 New Living Translation (NLT)
"These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children,
To live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes,[a] to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God."

Now, don't get me wrong. I get that women can work outside the home. I get that they can travel without their families. I get it. BUT you have to do what works for YOUR home. In my home, we travel together, work together and pretty much do everything together. We do take man trips & girl trips here & there. There's no "law" in our home. BUT there is a level or respect that says, my family is FIRST after God. (So, GOD is our entire foundation as He comes first, then my family, work & ministry life) My husband rarely takes speaking engagements mostly because he thinks it will disrupt the flow of our home and traveling with children takes ALOT out of you. We don't want our son to feel second to ministry as a preachers child. I believe that most "PK"s rebel because mama & daddy put them second to the church and the stage. I've talked to the most stable PK's & I'm like.. WHAT did your parents do differently? They always respond: "they included me in everything. They never felt like they had to compete with the church." And in our home, we like to set that same atmosphere. You still may not understand why we do what we do.. but you could only REALLY understand if you lived in our home with us! :) It works for US. So, communicate with your one-day spouse & get on the same page PRIOR to "I do" so you can make sure there's no huge surprises there. 

NOW to main point.

If you're single. Excuse my english: 

You aint gotta deal with that. 

If you're single you can go backpack in Europe for 6 months, eat cereal every night for dinner and nobody will complain, you can take a job as a flight attendant and fly all over the world! You can join 20 ministries at church and devote your weekends to your friends and feeding the homeless. You can go do missions in Africa for 6 months, you can wear yoga pants ALL day long with your hair wrapped up.

This isn't to "high" five single life or to bash marriage because BOTH have their proper seasons. The focus is to get you to realize that some of ya'll are WASTING your single life WONDERING "When your Adam is going to wake up?!" You're worried about God's timing. You're wondering, hoping and wishing about your husband. Every new guy that comes in the church "is your husband" and your focus is totally off! There's a SEASON under the sun for everything! You are literally WAITING for your life to start when you meet that "person." So, you won't buy a house, you won't buy a bed, you won't do much of anything because you're "waiting for your  man."

You've made it an idol. 

Let's look at this example: 
If I'm walking towards a building, my eyes are totally on the building. I'm not focused on what's going on around me, my eyes are glued to the building. My focus is set. I'm headed in that direction. 

This is how it should be when we are single and this prepares us for marriage. Our eyes our set on Jesus! He's our foundation, our hope, our peace, our wisdom, our joy! 

But, some of us are focused on the shed that is opposite of the "building." Although we know that we should trust God & live for Him.. we still feel like maybe God is taking too long and we have to "help" Him out. So, we take our focus from the building to the shed. But if you would turn around and focus back on the building with the RIGHT foundation, then God can really lead your life. There will be many seasons in your life. You will have quiet seasons. You will have seasons where God has you busy. You will have seasons where you feel lonely. You will have seasons where God wants you to travel. You may ask, Heather, I don't have the money do "do what I want to do." Honey, if God wants you to do it, He will provide a way! Let Him lead your footsteps. 

I look back over my life and I believe that I wasted ALOT of time as a single. I remember that I had an opportunity to go study abroad to London during my Junior Year in college but I passed on it because my then boyfriend didn't want to go. I was so insecure that he was going to cheat on me, (which he did when I was right down the street) so I PASSED on going to London for some man that I ain't with today. That was just ONE of many time wasters when I was single. 

Do I miss being single?

Single Days NYC 2004

Of course not! I LOVE my little family. But I DO miss the FREE time that I once had to roam about uninterrupted. This morning, I was woken up by a 21 month old at 6AM who wanted me to make him some juice. So, I woke up and made juice. Then, he started screaming, "Eggs mommy! I want eggs!!" So, I made him eggs. (Mind you, I'm 3 months pregnant and still battling morning sickness). Daddy was downstairs working out and I didn't want to interrupt him.. so, to making the eggs I went. Then, I needed to change his diaper. Get him showered, dressed. Then,  pray, then read, then do this.. then do that. 

I USED to wake up when I was single and I would go straight to my quiet time bay window and I would spend an hour with the Lord before work. 

Life has surely changed. And I wouldn't change it for everything but it does put things in perspective. I am THANKFUL that I set a foundation as a single to spend time with God because now that I'm married, it's even HARDER to get to that place but because I KNOW better, I am intentional about that time. So, don't wake up in regret one day of all of the time you wasted when you could have been TOTALLY devoted to the Lord. 

If you have children and you're not married, you may be thinking, what about me?

I'm not sure if your situation but if you have shared custody, you're still free to run around when your child is with the other parent! Or, if you have good, solid family members that will keep your child while you're away-- that's great too! Just don't stay away too long because again, you have responsibilities to be a mother or father. 

I pray that you really hear my heart on this. When you trust God's timing, you will be focusing on HIM, not WHEN.

And honestly, this mindset of "waiting" for your man doesn't hold too well in marriage. Once you DO get married, you will look to your spouse to fill every void, every hobby and make you happy because you set in your mind for YEARS that a relationship will ONLY make you happy. It's like it was the missing piece to your joy. But GOD is the only missing FOUNDATION and from Him comes all gifts. I ran into this problem when we got married because I made everything about my husband that I didn't have a LIFE. Those first 6 months were hard because we moved to a new state and we didn't have friends. But in my "head" I had this fantasy of what I think marriage should be like and I put PRESSURE on my now husband in the beginning because of this lie I made up in my head. Things got much better after I started blogging, doing small groups with women then eventually starting Pinky Promise because life was back dependent on God and not a human. My husband is amazing, but a terrible god.

Don't train your mindset to think that joy comes from people. It comes from the Lord.

So, what do you do?

1. Go spend time with God.  Let Him lead & direct your paths.
2. Find a good church home that teaches the TRUE word of God. Not all that crazy, weird, confusion.
3. Join a local Pinky Promise Group for sisterhood. (Or find something in your area with like-minded Christians
4. Obey God immediately.
5. Renew your mind daily. You can't live off of last weeks bible study.


God loves you like crazy,

Heather Lindsey

And then there were 4. Coming soon: July 2015

Just a few things:

1. Find my books, purity rings, shirts & all that good stuff via www.pinkypromiseboutiques.com!

2. We have developed an APP! Think: daily post notifications + weekly devotionals, recipes and so much more! It's out NOW for iphones + Androids. Under Heather & Cornelius Lindsey: Today With the Lindsey's

3.  If you live in Atlanta, I want to invite you to our church. Join us on Sundays at 11:00am at Landmark Art Cinemas. Our churches name is: "The Gathering Oasis"  931 Monroe Drive NE Atlanta, GA. We also have our New Years Service at the same place at 10pm EST! Join us! 

4. My book is selling like crazy! I'm so thankful for all of you that have supported! Check it out here: My New Book! Pink Lips & Empty Hearts:  www.PinkLipsAndEmptyHearts.com AND my new book,  Dusty Crowns, here! 

5. Register for the 2015 Pinky Promise in Atlanta, GA! It sold out last year, so you don't want to miss out! www.pinkypromiseconference.com 

6. As always, you can join a Pinky Promise group locally! There's about 30,000 ladies that have joined! Find a group near you by joining & checking out the intro page! Join here:www.PinkyPromiseMovement.com


  1. Wow! Awesome word! You were head on about the building/shed analogy!

  2. *drops mic

    Wow, Heather! Every woman needs to hear this message. Many of us seek something we don't have and then when we have it, we complain about it. smh

    If we keep our focus on HIM, our him will come right when he's supposed to. Thank you for writing this. Wonderful insight and perspective.

  3. I love this! Thanks Heather for sharing. I can take a lot away from this. Grateful for your ministry

  4. Currently in this single phase and everything you have said is the truth. The part that struck me was "there are times when you would be lonely,times when he (God) gets you busy" so true.
    Thank you so much for this.
    P.s you have a beautiful family

  5. So needed this right now! Thank you:)

  6. Good post. I tell young single ladies all the time to make the most of their single life for the very reasons you stated. I like the analogy about the building and the shed. To add to that, I have learned that obeying God while you are single will make it a lot easier to submit to and obey your husband in all things (as the Bible puts it) once you get married. It took me awhile to realize that the way I treated my husband about making decisions was similar to how I related to God. I would question and get upset and complain. It was eye opening and really made me step back and take inventory of my relationship with the Lord. It is crazy how my actions are so closely correlated. I thank God that He uses my husband to help me better see myself......

    1. Very true...thanks fr d additional info...

  7. What a awesome word Heather. You are truly a blessing to the Body of Christ. May the blessings of God continue to be upon you and your family

  8. Inspiring I must say! Truly inspiring. May God bless you for this. Amen

  9. I really needed to hear this! Thank You!! :)

  10. God bless you for sharing this ma'am.
    I am in this season and i'm getting intentional about using my time for God and setting things that should be set in place.
    I loved this so much, I had to share.
    God bless you, more grace!

  11. Heather, as your sister in the Lord, I love you. That is all. I am not married, but I recently started a relationship with a christian man and asked God to reveal issues up front. God surely answered me and it's been quite an eye opener and a maturation period for me. One thing this new relationship has done, however, is made be aware of exactly what you've said right here. There is a season for everything and we often miss the joys of the current season because we too busy longing for the next one. This article is spot on! God bless you individually and in your marriage.

  12. Awesome impartation for both the married and single. Such a timely word!!!! God bless you & continue to allow God use you to bless the body of Christ!!

  13. Thanks Heather, I recently began to appreciate the idea of maintaining my individuality in marriage as well as creating healthy boundaries. When we look to our spouse for everything we put them under pressure and neither of us does well (fruitful). this link wont open http://www.pinklipsandemptyhearts.com/

  14. Thank you so much for sharing! I needed this.....God Bless you and your growing family

  15. Hello mrs. Lindsey. I love your blog and congrats on the new addition to your family. Love in christ Tranece

  16. Awesome word thank you. God bless you for this. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

  17. Loved this blog post!! Was likes breath of fresh air!!

  18. Amazing word to single and married women! You rock Heather:)

  19. Heather the Lord really uses you to speak into my life. I'm a newlywed (been married 10 months) and KNOW that I wasted a lot of my single life waiting for marriage. Now, I am trying to play catch up and learn things the Lord was trying to teach me then. God has really shown me my heart in these 10 months and it's not pretty. He's shown me that my rebellion against my hubby is a direct reflection of my attitude towards him. I'm ashamed and yet thankful that he is reveling my heart to me; giving me the opportunity to surrender and learn how to be obedient to him and submissive to my husband. Your testimony helps me and I'm thankful for you and your ministry. Keep allowing the Lord to use you as you are impacting so many lives for the glory of God.

  20. Hi heather, I know God calling is calling me to service him but I'm scared. If I leave life as I know it, what if God doesn't come through? If I leave my job and follow God's call and things don't work out? I have always been in charge of decisions concerning my life, bills, rent and all. I have never had to lean or rely on anybody, to leave everything in God's hand is scary. I don't even know how to start letting go.
    I know you have been through the same thing. I dint even know what's okay or not as a Christian to do. I am dating a guy now that I'm in love with but isn't born again but I know in my heart that I am going to serve God and cant be with a man that wouldn't let me heed the call of God fully but I love him and don't know how to let him go.
    I dunno what to do.

  21. Love this! I want to be a wife and mommy but I love the fact that I don't have to answer to anyone while I build my business and do whatever God wants me to do. I'm enjoying life now. I've learned to enjoy life in whatever season I'm in. Everything in his perfect timing.

  22. I needed this.

    God bless you for being the vessel xx

  23. This is what I needed to read!!! Right on time! I'm in my single season now and have a fresher perspective, appreciation, and contentment after reading this :) Thank you. May the Lord bless you and your family :) Hugs!

  24. God bless u Heather,I love this message..lots of love from Ghana

  25. Preach Heather!!! I actually really enjoyed my singleness and even told the Lord I wanted another 5 years of it and then bang my new husband showed up a few weeks after that conversation. Just like you I would get up in the morning and spend over an hour with the Lord and at night another 2 hours with him just loving his prescence and our conversations and revelations through the word. Now I'm married and its so true, I thank God for the season I had in being able to sit before him and discipline my flesh to have that time as now I practically CRY OUT FOR IT! Anytime I can get. I have a toddler too and as much as I'm in ministry at church I have to remember that I can't be too busy and that my priority is home and my husband and daughter. I miss the silence at times too of just sensing the father's presence and not have to be interrupted by the mommy word or making sure hubby is sorted. Don't get me wrong I'm honoured that God has given me this new ministry I love my husband and now I know understand why God made sure I had my routine with him to make sure that my husband and marriage wouldn't become my idol. And its so true. My husband loves me so much and I love him but he will never be able to fill the constant need in my heart for fellowship with the Father. He ONLY is my rock and my shield. He meets and fills every need and I long for more of him daily. Single ladies see your singleness as a gift from the father and love on him as much as you can whilst its just YOU AND HIM. I love you heather, thank you for helping me on my journey. Your testimony really helped and I took and a stand and stood for Jesus and served the house and remained celibate and now he has honoured me. God bless you and your family and may he continue to use you for his purpose x


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