"I Want to Leave My Marriage"

Just to be clear, I don't want to leave my husband. I love my husband dearly and what God put together, aint NOTHING tearing apart. I can't imagine my life without my king on this earth. We have decided that divorce isn't an option and that we will work through everything.

BUT, I've spoken to many of you that want to leave your marriage. I've heard things like,

"But Heather, He's not a believer and God didn't put us together." 

"I married the wrong one." 

"I rushed into marriage and he won't change." 

"He keeps lying to me, I don't deserve this! I'm LEAVING!"

You may look at my marriage and think, "It's perfect."  You waited for Gods best and you waited to kiss until your wedding day. I bet you never have problems. 

HUH? 

Honey, I can write this blog with great conviction because we got into a FEW huge arguments and I was on the floor in my closet screaming out to God, "I MARRIED THE WRONG ONE!!!" God, WHY didn't you TELL me??!! I wanted to leave my marriage during the first year of our marriage at least 20 times. We had no ministry, nobody knew us so I started to plan out the divorce in my head. Where I would move and what I would do. It all made sense. 

Then, God stopped me in my tracks. Heather, you prayed for this, didn't you? Yes, Lord! I prayed for this man but this development I did not. 

I learned that my marriage is a MIRROR. It shows me my mess. It shows me all of the baggage I tried to hide, it showed me my hurts, it shows me my pains & made me vulnerable  It shows me where I'm selfish. It shows me myself and I didn't like it. I didn't want to see myself. I didn't want Cornelius to wash me with the water of the word (Ephesians 5) because I thought I knew everything. I wanted to RUN from my development. I wanted comfort. I thought maybe if I run back to my past I would feel comfort again but in that moment I decided to turn to God. I knew that the illusion of the grass being greener on the other side was simple that, just an illusion. ONCE I destroyed my marriage, I would find out that the grass isn't as green because I've always been the common denominator. I played a part in my own destruction. I learned that SATAN is after my marriage and I opened the door WIDE open and I gave him a chance to tap dance on my marriage.

 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,and do not give the devil a foothold." - Ephesians 4:26-27

I walked around in my marriage (both of us did)-- with the cold shoulder. And as we hardened our hearts towards each other, God couldn't penetrate and we hardened our hearts towards him. THEN you don't wanna spend time with God because you know if you spend time with God He's gonna check you and show you YOUR heart. AND you don't want to change because you don't think it's you, you think it's your spouse.

This journey has been far from perfect. Matter of fact, it's plain hard at times so I can empathize with you when things get hard. You want your guy to change. You pray, you share with him what upsets you and it seems like he STILL doesn't listen! He still leaves his dirty socks everywhere, refuses to do the dishes and help you with the kids or whatever else. He ignores your love language and it seems like he doesn't even try. 

My question to you is this, what does he do right? 

It's so easy to focus on everything he ISN'T doing while IGNORING the things he DOES do well. 

Write a list of the wonderful things that your spouse does and stop comparing him to your friends husbands. Did you know that one of the greatest gift you can give your man is contentment? Most of us are so not content with our man that we complain, nag and act like his mama and we wonder why he doesn't like you or want to be around you. You bring up everything that bothers you and you have no filter in your marriage. You're a emotional train wreck and you blame him for everything. He doesn't feel like he does anything right with you because you're so mean and critical towards him. He has pretty much given up on trying to please you because you are UNPLEASEABLE. He takes 10 steps forward and you knock him 20 steps back, reminding him of his past and what he isn't doing as a man. Its hard for him to be around you because you're always mad at something. You play the silent treatment all while attending your church meetings and you're getting all of this information and you're using it to tell him what he needs to do. And after you attend your conferences, you shove the information and books in his place and you missed the entire point of the conference. YOU were at the conference so it can convict YOU but all you thought about.. once again is what he should do to change. 

Newsflash:

Your man doesn't need a mother, he needs a wife. He needs a helpmeet. 

My question to you is this: HOW are you helping him? 

"Well, Heather-- he aint got no purpose, no nothing. He ain't doing what he's supposed to be doing." 

There you go again. You're blaming him for what he isn't doing. Maybe he's not doing what he's supposed to do but God made you HIS helpmeet. So are you HELPING him in accomplishing what God called him to do or are you too busy focusing on what you think he needs to be to qualify as a good husband?

Maybe he's got a passion for art. He's super creative. He loves it but you bash every idea because it doesn't "pay the bills." Everytime he tries to share his dreams with you, you CRUSH them. No wonder why he wants to be around his friends all of the time and not you. This isn't to bash you sis, this is your sister in Christ LOVING you. I WANT YOUR MARRIAGE TO WORK.  I can understand where you are because I've been that nagging woman that tried to change her man. AND you leaving your spouse affects not only you, but me, the rest of the body of Christ and your future generation of children.  

You may say, "Heather, I'm not HAPPY in my marriage." Honey, happy is relative. One day you're happy. One day you're sad. It changes but true joy comes from the Lord. True joy comes from being patient in the midst of attacks and trusting God when it doesn't look like you should trust Him .. and yes that includes your marriage. You may be looking for me to give you a list of reasons or excuses to leave your marriage but I'm not going to give you one. I believe that we focus too much on reasons to leave than we do reasons to stay. And I have to be honest, some of you have experienced really crazy things in your marriage, things I may never understand BUT I am assured of this: 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

The scripture says, "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things."This is what LOVE does. True, unconditional, the world calls you crazy kinda love does this. It doesn't give up, it doesn't quit. It presses through BEYOND it's emotions and it trusts God when it doesn't look like it should. Now, if you are getting physically abused I DO recommend counseling and for the couple to get HELP. If your husband is abusing you, he has an anger problem and I believe that God can even heal that. (whoaaaa, Heather! How dare you?) Yes, I believe that God can heal a broken, battered, marriage. If you're dealing with infidelity in your marriage my heart breaks for you. I'm sure it's very difficult and painful and its stretching you to your breaking point. The best thing to do is  “turn all your worries over to Him. He cares about you” (1 Peter 5:7). Go to the Lord for comfort, wisdom, and direction on a daily basis. God can help us through the deepest of trials.

Adultery is always wrong. “God will judge the person who commits adultery” (Hebrews 13:4). If you've been hurt by this, you have to trust that God is the avenger. Don't rush out and try to get revenge by sleeping with someone else. Love God so much that you would never want to do anything to hurt  Him.  God will do a much better job that you can concerning vengeance. 

So, what do we do moving forward?

FORGIVE. “Forgive people when they sin against you. If you do, your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive people their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14, 15). This may seem impossible, and it will take time, but with God’s grace the victim can make it an act of the will in obedience to God’s Word. To harbor bitterness will affect attitudes, emotions, and the desire to obey God, and it will negatively affect everyday decisions. Refusal to forgive is more detrimental to the offended party than it is to the offender. This does not mean that the betrayed spouse is not going to suffer the effects of deep hurt. Forgiveness also does not make the offense “okay.” Forgiveness is about receiving God’s grace and trusting Him to redeem everything in our lives. It is appropriate to engage the anger and hurt caused by infidelity. Expressing these emotions to God can be a first step toward true forgiveness. Forgiveness is an act of the will, but it also must be heartfelt. Giving our emotions and needs over to God allows Him to minister to our hearts so that we can let go of the offense and forgive as we have been forgiven.

BE FORGIVEN. “But God is faithful and fair. If we admit that we have sinned, He will forgive us our sins. He will forgive every wrong thing we have done. He will make us pure” (1 John 1:9). Repent to your spouse for the part that you played in the destruction of your marriage. EVEN if you don't think you played a part. EVEN if you don't think they deserve it. EVEN if you want to kill them.  When you move your emotions out of the way, the His Holy Spirit will enable you to do what you could not do on your own. “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).

Then, as God leads, forgiveness and reconciliation can follow. No matter how long it takes, every effort must be made to forgive and reconcile. (See Matthew 5:23–24.) .

So, if you want to really leave, let's look at some practical steps. 

1. Start praying for your spouse if you haven't already. Pray that God softens their heart and that God raises your dead marriage. 

2. Expect tests and trials. There's something beautiful on the other side of the attacks that come your way and if you hang in there long enough, your marriage will get better and better and sweeter and sweeter if you stick around to see it. 

3. Fast from nagging and being critical. Just stop. 

4. When you have the urge to address something, take it to God first to see if He wants you to say anything. Everything isn't worth an argument and in comparison to eternity.. most of the silly arguments you haven't aren't worth it.. 

5. Heather, God didn't put me with him. What do I do? My response doesn't matter but HIS does matter. Lets see what the bible says:

1 Peter 3:1-6 

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands,

1 Corinthians 7:13

If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.

1 Peter 3:1-22

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands,

1 Peter 3:1

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,

Ephesians 5:22

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

Proverbs 15:1

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

1 Peter 3:1-5

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands.

Titus 2:3-5

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

1 Corinthians 7:15

But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.

Ephesians 5:21 

Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

1 Corinthians 11:3 

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

I know it may be tempting to quit. I know you don't see a way out. Remember that God gives you a way out of EVERY temptation if you don't QUIT.  (1 Corinthians 10:13) God shows you a better way and that is His way. God so sees marriage as permeant and we should see it that way too. I want to encourage you to stay faithful to God, your husband and to fight FOR your marriage and not against it. You both are on the SAME team. Fight together. It's the BOTH of you AGAINST that situation, NOT you vs. him. When I want my husband to change, I take it to the Lord and I sift it past Him. MOST times, He tells me to hush up and HE will change him. Now, that's hard for me. I have a very strong personality and I almost feel like I NEED to express myself. I had to learn to win him over with my quiet and gentle spirit. My husband would ask me what was wrong.. and I would say, "Nothing sweetheart." And it's NOT being passive, it's that I have given it to God so what was wrong is NO longer wrong with me. And he's right. .there's a lot wrong in ME that's not like Jesus and as Jesus purges it out of me, I want to make sure I'm being the BEST wife to my husband. He isn't my God. He is my husband. I'm thankful for him but my hope aint in him, it's in Jesus Christ and eternity is on my mind. 

My mother gave me some wonderful advice when I first got married. She said, "Get a life heather. You cannot be so wrapped up in your husband that you keep tabs on him 24-7. You cannot depend on  him for your happiness, only God can do that." 

Welp, I got up in my marriage and I got a life while I was still submitted to my husband. I picked up hobbies and I was intentional about making sure that my hope was in Jesus and not man.

If you're still reading.. sister, I can relate to you. I know things are hard. I know you don't understand. I know you want out. I know you've read stories of women who left their marriages and they are happy now. I know you're trying to wonder if that could be you. I tell you this: Compare you life to Jesus only and ask the Holy Spirit what you should do. If you're too busy and too cluttered, you will never hear from the Lord and the voices of many will send you to divorce court. So, protect your marriage. Get an accountability couple that won't tell all of your business and that will push you towards the word. Most of all, spend crazy time with God and stay on your face until HE instructs you. 

God healed my dead marriage. It's still not perfect. But we are working towards perfection daily. He can heal yours too. 

Books I recommend for broken marriages:

1. I'm Married, Now What? - Cornelius Lindsey

2. Created to Be His Help Meet- Debi Pearl

3. The Love Dare 

Just a few things:

1. I  opened up a Pinky Promise Boutique!!! Think fashionable, fabulous purity rings, cross bracelets, journals, statement necklaces & so much more  for women! Check it out via www.pinkypromiseboutiques.com. Use code JESUS for 10% off!

2. We have developed an APP! Think: daily post notifications + weekly devotionals, recipes and so much more! It's out NOW for iphones + Androids. Under Heather & Cornelius Lindsey: Today With the Lindsey's

3.  If you live in Atlanta, I want to invite you to our church. Join us on Sundays at 11:00am at Landmark Art Cinemas. Our churches name is: "The Gathering Oasis"  931 Monroe Drive NE Atlanta, GA.

4. My book is selling like crazy! I'm so thankful for all of you that have supported! Check it out here: My New Book! Pink Lips & Empty Hearts:  www.PinkLipsAndEmptyHearts.com AND my new book,  Dusty Crowns, here! 

5. Register for the 2015 Pinky Promise in Atlanta, GA! It sold out last year, so you don't want to miss out! www.pinkypromiseconference.com 

6. As always, you can join a Pinky Promise group locally! There's about 27,000 ladies that have joined! Find a group near you by joining & checking out the intro page! Join here:www.PinkyPromiseMovement.com

God loves YOU, yes you like crazy,

Love you all dearly,

Heather Lindsey 

"The Private War: Trusting God through the Silent Seasons"

Ever felt like you have gone through seasons where things were moving and shaking? It seems like you were growing in Christ, doors were flying open and life was good! You enjoyed your time with the Lord and then.. out of now where.. you hit a quiet season.

Doors don't seem like they are opening, you don't feel like you have clear instructions from God, you almost want to run back to that happy season but even those doors seem closed. And it seems like God isn't as close to you as He was before. 

If you have ever felt that way, I want you to know that it's ok & it's NORMAL. You're simply going through a test and you have the option to pass the test & totally rely on God OR, you have the option to go & create a life and open your own doors that will end up in turmoil.

Lets read this story together:

Genesis 11 New King James Version

The Tower of Babel

11 Now the whole earth had one language and one speech. 2 And it came to pass, as they journeyed from the east, that they found a plain in the land of Shinar, and they dwelt there. 3 Then they said to one another, “Come, let us make bricks and bake them thoroughly.” They had brick for stone, and they had asphalt for mortar. 4 And they said, “Come, let us build ourselves a city, and a tower whose top is in the heavens; let us make a name for ourselves, lest we be scattered abroad over the face of the whole earth.”

5 But the Lord came down to see the city and the tower which the sons of men had built. 6 And the Lord said, “Indeed the people are one and they all have one language, and this is what they begin to do; now nothing that they propose to do will be withheld from them. 7 Come, let Us go down and there confuse their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech.” 8 So the Lord scattered them abroad from there over the face of all the earth, and they ceased building the city. 9 Therefore its name is called Babel, because there the Lord confused the language of all the earth; and from there the Lord scattered them abroad over the face of all the earth.

The whole earth came together and thought that they were going to outsmart God. So, God had to confuse their language and shut down their plans. And in your own life, God has to confuse the language you have with your boss, that boyfriend you shouldn't be with, that church or that friend that is pushing you away from Jesus. It seems like for no reason whatsoever, you guys are no longer on the same page. You don't understand it and it's frustrating but God had to stop the plans that YOU came up with for your life. 

You see, God has great plans for your life and those plans include suffering, trusting Him and letting HIM lead your life. In this private war, you may not even be able to articulate what God is doing in your heart. You have this war of the flesh, this war of trying to be who God called you to be, this war of wanting to quit, this war of resting in God, this war of "when is it my time God."

Here's the kicker.

There's times where you're going to just have to sit there and not move. I'm not telling you to be lazy, I'm telling you that God may want you to stop building YOUR tower and sit there long enough to hear HIS instructions for YOUR life. And you will have to be honest with yourself, you won't know the next step and thats OK. If you had ALL the answers for life, why would you need Jesus? HE places those voids in our hearts because we can only be filled by Him and Him alone. He is calling you back to that quiet place with Him. So, be honest with yourself.

1. You don't know where you're going, but God does. 

2. You're sitting and trusting Him until He leads you to the next step.

3. If He ain't opening the doors then you aren't going to bust open a door. 

4. If He wants to pursue something, He will make it plain to you.

5. Enjoy this season instead of running out of it. You've been running so long and trying to create your plans for so long that God had to get your attention. 

This world screams into our heart, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? What are your plans? What is next for you? Where is your new man? WHY aren't you taking that job? It makes SO much money! But there is this quiet whisper in your heart and the Holy Spirit is telling you to rest. Don't move. Sit there until He leads and instructs. You see, you ain't ready. You think you're ready but you're not ready. If you were then you would rest until God opened up the right doors. You would be OK with not knowing the next step because you know that obedience is GREATER than temporary things.  

In my own life, we've been approached by 3 large TV networks for reality shows and a publishing company all within about 2-3 months. And with all 4 "opportunities" I had no peace. I wanted to move forward with at least one of them because it seemed like a great opportunity but it just wasn't time for that door to be opened. You almost have to ask your motive for why you want open doors in your life. Are you focused on eternity or are you focused on building your name on this earth? I don't know about you but I just want God. I want the Holy Spirit to so enjoy living in Me that He bursts with joy daily. I want to be so led by the Holy Spirit that I see Gods glory like Moses did. This eternity mindset has nothing to do with the very real tests and trials that will attack you on this earth. What does the bible say about tests? Does it tells us to run? NO! It tells us to ENDURE! To stay faithful to God and to REJOICE. 

James 1:2-4 says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

So, smile the next time that somebody asks, "WHEN are you getting you a man??! WHEN are you doing this? WHEN are you doing that?  Smile because you know that you are trusting God and you aren't going to step outside of HIS will to create some tower of babel. You don't need no tower of a man, tower of some job, tower of some thing. You need the very presence of the Holy Spirit smashing out anything that isn't like God in your heart. You simply need Him and Him alone. 

Let's fight this thing together. Let's all just sit there until the Lord leads us. Even if we look crazy. Even if the world calls us crazy. We KNOW this truth:

Philippians 1:6 And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

GOD will complete it. God will complete it. I said, GOD WILL COMPLETE it. Even if you're about to get evicted. EVEN if you are lonely. Even IF you don't understand. EVEN if you are sad. Even if things look down. Place your FAITH in Jesus Christ and not this worlds temporary feelings and things. 

But.. will you believe that?

Lets step building things that He never told us to build and going places He never told us to go. EVEN if that means QUITTING on something YOU started.

Just a few things:

1. I  opened up a Pinky Promise Boutique!!! Think fashionable, fabulous purity rings, cross bracelets, journals, statement necklaces & so much more  for women! Check it out via www.pinkypromiseboutiques.com. Use code JESUS for 10% off!

2. We have developed an APP! Think: daily post notifications + weekly devotionals, recipes and so much more! It's out NOW for iphones + Androids. Under Heather & Cornelius Lindsey: Today With the Lindsey's

3.  If you live in Atlanta, I want to invite you to our church. Join us on Sundays at 11:00am at Landmark Art Cinemas. Our churches name is: "The Gathering Oasis"  931 Monroe Drive NE Atlanta, GA.

4. My book is selling like crazy! I'm so thankful for all of you that have supported! Check it out here: My New Book! Pink Lips & Empty Hearts:  www.PinkLipsAndEmptyHearts.com AND my new book,  Dusty Crowns, here! 

5. Register for the 2015 Pinky Promise in Atlanta, GA! It sold out last year, so you don't want to miss out! www.pinkypromiseconference.com 

6. As always, you can join a Pinky Promise group locally! There's about 27,000 ladies that have joined! Find a group near you by joining & checking out the intro page! Join here:www.PinkyPromiseMovement.com

God loves you like crazy,

Heather Lindsey