Monday, October 20, 2014

"I Want to Leave My Marriage"

Just to be clear, I don't want to leave my husband. I love my husband dearly and what God put together, aint NOTHING tearing apart. I can't imagine my life without my king on this earth. We have decided that divorce isn't an option and that we will work through everything.

BUT, I've spoken to many of you that want to leave your marriage. I've heard things like,

"But Heather, He's not a believer and God didn't put us together." 
"I married the wrong one." 
"I rushed into marriage and he won't change." 
"He keeps lying to me, I don't deserve this! I'm LEAVING!"

You may look at my marriage and think, "It's perfect."  You waited for Gods best and you waited to kiss until your wedding day. I bet you never have problems. 

Honey, I can write this blog with great conviction because we got into a FEW huge arguments and I was on the floor in my closet screaming out to God, "I MARRIED THE WRONG ONE!!!" God, WHY didn't you TELL me??!! I wanted to leave my marriage during the first year of our marriage at least 20 times. We had no ministry, nobody knew us so I started to plan out the divorce in my head. Where I would move and what I would do. It all made sense. 

Then, God stopped me in my tracks. Heather, you prayed for this, didn't you? Yes, Lord! I prayed for this man but this development I did not. 
I learned that my marriage is a MIRROR. It shows me my mess. It shows me all of the baggage I tried to hide, it showed me my hurts, it shows me my pains & made me vulnerable  It shows me where I'm selfish. It shows me myself and I didn't like it. I didn't want to see myself. I didn't want Cornelius to wash me with the water of the word (Ephesians 5) because I thought I knew everything. I wanted to RUN from my development. I wanted comfort. I thought maybe if I run back to my past I would feel comfort again but in that moment I decided to turn to God. I knew that the illusion of the grass being greener on the other side was simple that, just an illusion. ONCE I destroyed my marriage, I would find out that the grass isn't as green because I've always been the common denominator. I played a part in my own destruction. I learned that SATAN is after my marriage and I opened the door WIDE open and I gave him a chance to tap dance on my marriage.
 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,and do not give the devil a foothold." - Ephesians 4:26-27
I walked around in my marriage (both of us did)-- with the cold shoulder. And as we hardened our hearts towards each other, God couldn't penetrate and we hardened our hearts towards him. THEN you don't wanna spend time with God because you know if you spend time with God He's gonna check you and show you YOUR heart. AND you don't want to change because you don't think it's you, you think it's your spouse.

This journey has been far from perfect. Matter of fact, it's plain hard at times so I can empathize with you when things get hard. You want your guy to change. You pray, you share with him what upsets you and it seems like he STILL doesn't listen! He still leaves his dirty socks everywhere, refuses to do the dishes and help you with the kids or whatever else. He ignores your love language and it seems like he doesn't even try. 

My question to you is this, what does he do right? 
It's so easy to focus on everything he ISN'T doing while IGNORING the things he DOES do well. 
Write a list of the wonderful things that your spouse does and stop comparing him to your friends husbands. Did you know that one of the greatest gift you can give your man is contentment? Most of us are so not content with our man that we complain, nag and act like his mama and we wonder why he doesn't like you or want to be around you. You bring up everything that bothers you and you have no filter in your marriage. You're a emotional train wreck and you blame him for everything. He doesn't feel like he does anything right with you because you're so mean and critical towards him. He has pretty much given up on trying to please you because you are UNPLEASEABLE. He takes 10 steps forward and you knock him 20 steps back, reminding him of his past and what he isn't doing as a man. Its hard for him to be around you because you're always mad at something. You play the silent treatment all while attending your church meetings and you're getting all of this information and you're using it to tell him what he needs to do. And after you attend your conferences, you shove the information and books in his place and you missed the entire point of the conference. YOU were at the conference so it can convict YOU but all you thought about.. once again is what he should do to change. 

Your man doesn't need a mother, he needs a wife. He needs a helpmeet. 
My question to you is this: HOW are you helping him? 
"Well, Heather-- he aint got no purpose, no nothing. He ain't doing what he's supposed to be doing." 

There you go again. You're blaming him for what he isn't doing. Maybe he's not doing what he's supposed to do but God made you HIS helpmeet. So are you HELPING him in accomplishing what God called him to do or are you too busy focusing on what you think he needs to be to qualify as a good husband?

Maybe he's got a passion for art. He's super creative. He loves it but you bash every idea because it doesn't "pay the bills." Everytime he tries to share his dreams with you, you CRUSH them. No wonder why he wants to be around his friends all of the time and not you. This isn't to bash you sis, this is your sister in Christ LOVING you. I WANT YOUR MARRIAGE TO WORK.  I can understand where you are because I've been that nagging woman that tried to change her man. AND you leaving your spouse affects not only you, but me, the rest of the body of Christ and your future generation of children.  

You may say, "Heather, I'm not HAPPY in my marriage." Honey, happy is relative. One day you're happy. One day you're sad. It changes but true joy comes from the Lord. True joy comes from being patient in the midst of attacks and trusting God when it doesn't look like you should trust Him .. and yes that includes your marriage. You may be looking for me to give you a list of reasons or excuses to leave your marriage but I'm not going to give you one. I believe that we focus too much on reasons to leave than we do reasons to stay. And I have to be honest, some of you have experienced really crazy things in your marriage, things I may never understand BUT I am assured of this: 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
The scripture says, "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things."This is what LOVE does. True, unconditional, the world calls you crazy kinda love does this. It doesn't give up, it doesn't quit. It presses through BEYOND it's emotions and it trusts God when it doesn't look like it should. Now, if you are getting physically abused I DO recommend counseling and for the couple to get HELP. If your husband is abusing you, he has an anger problem and I believe that God can even heal that. (whoaaaa, Heather! How dare you?) Yes, I believe that God can heal a broken, battered, marriage. If you're dealing with infidelity in your marriage my heart breaks for you. I'm sure it's very difficult and painful and its stretching you to your breaking point. The best thing to do is  “turn all your worries over to Him. He cares about you” (1 Peter 5:7). Go to the Lord for comfort, wisdom, and direction on a daily basis. God can help us through the deepest of trials.
Adultery is always wrong. “God will judge the person who commits adultery” (Hebrews 13:4). If you've been hurt by this, you have to trust that God is the avenger. Don't rush out and try to get revenge by sleeping with someone else. Love God so much that you would never want to do anything to hurt  Him.  God will do a much better job that you can concerning vengeance. 

So, what do we do moving forward?

FORGIVE. “Forgive people when they sin against you. If you do, your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive people their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14, 15). This may seem impossible, and it will take time, but with God’s grace the victim can make it an act of the will in obedience to God’s Word. To harbor bitterness will affect attitudes, emotions, and the desire to obey God, and it will negatively affect everyday decisions. Refusal to forgive is more detrimental to the offended party than it is to the offender. This does not mean that the betrayed spouse is not going to suffer the effects of deep hurt. Forgiveness also does not make the offense “okay.” Forgiveness is about receiving God’s grace and trusting Him to redeem everything in our lives. It is appropriate to engage the anger and hurt caused by infidelity. Expressing these emotions to God can be a first step toward true forgiveness. Forgiveness is an act of the will, but it also must be heartfelt. Giving our emotions and needs over to God allows Him to minister to our hearts so that we can let go of the offense and forgive as we have been forgiven.

BE FORGIVEN. “But God is faithful and fair. If we admit that we have sinned, He will forgive us our sins. He will forgive every wrong thing we have done. He will make us pure” (1 John 1:9). Repent to your spouse for the part that you played in the destruction of your marriage. EVEN if you don't think you played a part. EVEN if you don't think they deserve it. EVEN if you want to kill them.  When you move your emotions out of the way, the His Holy Spirit will enable you to do what you could not do on your own. “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).

Then, as God leads, forgiveness and reconciliation can follow. No matter how long it takes, every effort must be made to forgive and reconcile. (See Matthew 5:23–24.) .

So, if you want to really leave, let's look at some practical steps. 

1. Start praying for your spouse if you haven't already. Pray that God softens their heart and that God raises your dead marriage. 
2. Expect tests and trials. There's something beautiful on the other side of the attacks that come your way and if you hang in there long enough, your marriage will get better and better and sweeter and sweeter if you stick around to see it. 
3. Fast from nagging and being critical. Just stop. 
4. When you have the urge to address something, take it to God first to see if He wants you to say anything. Everything isn't worth an argument and in comparison to eternity.. most of the silly arguments you haven't aren't worth it.. 
5. Heather, God didn't put me with him. What do I do? My response doesn't matter but HIS does matter. Lets see what the bible says:

1 Peter 3:1-6 
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands,

1 Corinthians 7:13
If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.

1 Peter 3:1-22
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands,

1 Peter 3:1
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,

Ephesians 5:22
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

Proverbs 15:1
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

1 Peter 3:1-5
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands.

Titus 2:3-5
Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

1 Corinthians 7:15
But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.

Ephesians 5:21 
Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

1 Corinthians 11:3 
But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

I know it may be tempting to quit. I know you don't see a way out. Remember that God gives you a way out of EVERY temptation if you don't QUIT.  (1 Corinthians 10:13) God shows you a better way and that is His way. God so sees marriage as permeant and we should see it that way too. I want to encourage you to stay faithful to God, your husband and to fight FOR your marriage and not against it. You both are on the SAME team. Fight together. It's the BOTH of you AGAINST that situation, NOT you vs. him. When I want my husband to change, I take it to the Lord and I sift it past Him. MOST times, He tells me to hush up and HE will change him. Now, that's hard for me. I have a very strong personality and I almost feel like I NEED to express myself. I had to learn to win him over with my quiet and gentle spirit. My husband would ask me what was wrong.. and I would say, "Nothing sweetheart." And it's NOT being passive, it's that I have given it to God so what was wrong is NO longer wrong with me. And he's right. .there's a lot wrong in ME that's not like Jesus and as Jesus purges it out of me, I want to make sure I'm being the BEST wife to my husband. He isn't my God. He is my husband. I'm thankful for him but my hope aint in him, it's in Jesus Christ and eternity is on my mind. 
My mother gave me some wonderful advice when I first got married. She said, "Get a life heather. You cannot be so wrapped up in your husband that you keep tabs on him 24-7. You cannot depend on  him for your happiness, only God can do that." 
Welp, I got up in my marriage and I got a life while I was still submitted to my husband. I picked up hobbies and I was intentional about making sure that my hope was in Jesus and not man.

If you're still reading.. sister, I can relate to you. I know things are hard. I know you don't understand. I know you want out. I know you've read stories of women who left their marriages and they are happy now. I know you're trying to wonder if that could be you. I tell you this: Compare you life to Jesus only and ask the Holy Spirit what you should do. If you're too busy and too cluttered, you will never hear from the Lord and the voices of many will send you to divorce court. So, protect your marriage. Get an accountability couple that won't tell all of your business and that will push you towards the word. Most of all, spend crazy time with God and stay on your face until HE instructs you. 

God healed my dead marriage. It's still not perfect. But we are working towards perfection daily. He can heal yours too. 

Books I recommend for broken marriages:

Just a few things:

1. I  opened up a Pinky Promise Boutique!!! Think fashionable, fabulous purity rings, cross bracelets, journals, statement necklaces & so much more  for women! Check it out via Use code JESUS for 10% off!

2. We have developed an APP! Think: daily post notifications + weekly devotionals, recipes and so much more! It's out NOW for iphones + Androids. Under Heather & Cornelius Lindsey: Today With the Lindsey's

3.  If you live in Atlanta, I want to invite you to our church. Join us on Sundays at 11:00am at Landmark Art Cinemas. Our churches name is: "The Gathering Oasis"  931 Monroe Drive NE Atlanta, GA.

4. My book is selling like crazy! I'm so thankful for all of you that have supported! Check it out here: My New Book! Pink Lips & Empty Hearts: AND my new book,  Dusty Crowns, here! 

5. Register for the 2015 Pinky Promise in Atlanta, GA! It sold out last year, so you don't want to miss out! 

6. As always, you can join a Pinky Promise group locally! There's about 27,000 ladies that have joined! Find a group near you by joining & checking out the intro page! Join

God loves YOU, yes you like crazy,

Love you all dearly,
Heather Lindsey 


  1. I just wrote about this same exact thing! One of the girls I mentored, called me up and told me she wished she hadn't married her husband and she was so unhappy. Since when do we keep our vows only when we are "happy?" Do we allow our feelings to guide our actions?? As a woman, our battle is with our emotions and we must not allow them to control us.Here is my response to her if you are interested!

  2. This is RIGHT ON TIME!!!!! I got up from my quiet time, where I just selfishly cried and moaned about how I'm not happy and this and that, came to the computer and opened up my facebook! This link was the FIRST on my newsfeed. God is so faithful. I needed this blog post! The conviction is so REAL! Thank you for letting God use you, you are a blessing! Shutting my mouth and letting GOD teach me how to love my hubby for who he is in this season! Thanks xoxo!

  3. Thank you for your obedience to write this blog, Heather! I believe that God made us emotionally stronger than our husbands, which is why God ask that we be gentle. All with the help of the Holy Spirit, we can build our husbands up. Our words and attitudes towards them can break them, if we're careless with our mouths! God bless and thank you again! :-)

  4. Wow!!!! I felt I was reading MY story!!! It's so true to a T!! I'm so shy I had to comment anonymously. God truly bless you for all the work you do. God bless your marriage and baby Logan(yes I follow you on instagram. Lol).

  5. Wow honey you preached this post away. I was halfway through and nodding my heading. Thank you for your honesty and practical tips. This is a must read for women before and after marriage. Do you have a sermon related to this?

  6. Lord I thank you for this message. I just prayed for an answer for my mstorage. Wonderful word

  7. I logged on to my email to send my husband's my intent for separation and accompanied instructions. Instead this Pinky Promise blog popped up. Naturally, I clicked on it. I have been weeping for the last 5 minutes. I have endured issues with porn, borderline Infidelity, and severe anger issues that infrequently leads to forms of physical abuse. I love the Lord with all of my heart and have endured many hardships in life resulting in a lack of blood family. I do have a Christian family and one of my sisters in the Lord and an Elder at my church advised me to pray to God and think twice about leaving this morning. I became angry with her secretly and decided if she was in my shoes she would advise differently. I am a new mom and I have a full time job as an educator in an inner city school system. This new change has put a strain on my prayer/study life. I just felt drained and ready to give up. I've had enough of hurt, betrayals, loss, and devaluing in my lifetime. I called out of work, called my sister in law and told her to take my baby. I decided they can have my baby, my husband can leave, and I can have my old, single, maid servant for the Lord life back and can finally be happy again. So, alone at last, I wrote my letter, copied it to my clipboard and was all ready to paste and send when I saw this blog. I'm not sure of my next steps, but I did hear my Father talking to me, and I'm not going to send the email. I thank you for your obedience.

    1. Dear sister,
      In everything you have read from the blog, please hear the intent for your safety too! I don't believe Heather is suggesting your physical abuse. You mention that you have endured issues that "infrequently leads to forms of physical abuse," sister that can't be God's will. Counseling is needed to make sure he knows that his putting his hands on you is not God's will or necessary for him to lead you.

  8. Wow this is the best blog I've read on marriage came at the right time too! Wow! True and raw! You have much wisdom!

  9. Awesome post!!!! thank you for sharing. I completely understand about not being happy in your marriage. My husband cheated in 2003 and it took us 5 years to restore our marriage. I was mean and did not want to forgive. I wanted to walk away; but God!! And boy am I glad I stayed because now it is better than before (not perfect) but better! We started a home marriage ministry in 2007 ( and we now do marriage conferences at our church and other churches in our city. We are hosting a free conference this Saturday in Memphis. God can heal a dead marriage! God bless you and yours!

    1. WOW you're a great example n blessed! Goes to show the good ol' virtues of endurance and perseverance work! U're amazing, God bless!

  10. Lord Jesus please help me!!!!! Thank you Lord for Heather's obedience to you. Please help me to do your will Lord!

  11. I'm not married or even dating. But I found this message POWERFUL. I'm unlikely to forget it for when I am dating or married.

  12. God is faithful I tell you!!!! He is my strength and he will guide me. Am not married but once I am married I will take this wisdom with me... Heather thank you so much for the message. With love from Zambia.

  13. I'm happily married to Jesus. Thank you for sharing the unbridled truth about marriage. I really don't see the allure in it anymore-not because of this article. I'm a survivor of broken pieces from my childhood and I cannot fathom being locked in a union that could pertually take me through those same abuses again. I choose peace. I'm 38 and I'm happily married to Jesus.

  14. Wow! Very powerful. I'm also single and not dating but this helps to make sure I go to God and let him write my love story. Like you mentioned, you can do all the right things... not have sex before marriage etc... but even with that God doesn't promise everything will be perfect but it encourages me to let God write my love story and not try and take control of my own life. Thank You for this post!

  15. My husband left 2 years ago, after just one year of being married. There was no physical abuse, infidelity (that I know of), or drugs or alcohol abuse... we just fought a lot about financial issues, which would escalate into screaming matches; and I certainly did not submit to him. We are "Christians" but obviously not very good ones, selfishly living for our own plans and not God's. I miss him terribly and want to restore our marriage and be a Godly wife. I have learned so much about what marriage is about during this time apart, largely due to your encouragement (even though we don't know each other, you have helped in so many ways <3). We are not divorced and not even legally separated. I have little contact with him. I have remained faithful and have been patient the last two years taking it as an opportunity to discover how to be a true Christian wife and I truely want to submit and uplift my husband. I am so afraid of being rejected by my husband and have been praying for the courage to approach us getting back together and praying that his heart is softened. Is it just too late at this point? How can I tell him that we need to give ourselves another chance to do things God's way instead of our own?

    1. Hello Anonymous! I know you are waiting for Heather's response but I'd like to weigh in if you don't mind. I am so happy to hear you have a desire to restore your marriage. If you're better expressing yourself in writing than do that. It will give you the opportunity to fully express yourself without interruption and also allow your husband to ponder what you've "said" and give you a well thought out response. I would recommend Christian counseling first, taking it slowly and being careful to avoid negative patterns of the past. Since he's the one that left, go at his pace so he doesn't feel the need to "run" again. Don't wait too long! The longer you wait, the least likely it will happen. Do it today. Be assertive, not aggressive. God is rooting for you and your marriage and so am I. Blessings!

  16. Thank you Heather! I am blessed by this and I shared to a few friends too. Is there a similar article from the man's angle? Maybe Cornelius is going to write soon? Please it is urgent and needed. God bless your home and ministry! Meanwhile, I am still expecting you to publish and answer my latest comments on the article "how to spend time with God", please reply.

  17. It takes two and a foundation of respect

  18. Thanks so much for writing this blog it came at the perfect time for me. I've been thinking divorce lately and after reading this blog I'm going to make my marriage work.

  19. So insightful and powerful. Even for those who are not on the brink of a divorce/separation. Thank you for writing this!


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