Hey everyone! :) I've been meaning to write this since forever ago but between traveling, the holidays, ministry and my little 9 month old, I'm swamped! Thanks for your patience as I am tryin' to blog as much as I can!
And this blog also applies to anyone who isn't married-- not just long distance loves! :)
I'm not sure if you're aware or not, but my now husband and I were long distance for 1 year and 7 months before we got married. People think for some reason that just because you're long distance, doesn't mean that you aren't tempted. If ANYTHING, the desires BUILD up and then when you see each other,
you REALLY miss one another. This is why it's even more important to stay focused on Christ while courting. I want to share a bit of our story & what we did and encourage all of you who are in relationships long distance.
Let's be real on this thing. First and foremost, both parties need to be
CHRISTIANS. Ya'll have to be saved, lovin' Jesus and really live for Him. Because if you aren't then convenience will tempt you to cheat on your boyfriend or girlfriend because you have no standards. A relationship long distance CAN work if two people are
willing to work at it. If your FLESH is running your life, I can assure you that it won't work out. Being long distance encourages communication because all you DO is TALK. If you hate communication & you aren't willing to put the work in, then, it most likely didn't work for you & whoever you were in a relationship with at the time. And trust me, you will need those communication skills once married. That season was totally WORTH it.
My now hubby lived in Atlanta and I lived in New York when we started courting. Due to his job, we were able to see each other on average of twice a month. When I traveled to Atlanta, I would stay in a hotel (the first 8 months) and then I stayed in his house and he stayed with a married couple for accountablity. When it was time to drop me off after we spent time together, he didn't walk me to my hotel room,
he dropped me off right at the entrance. WHY put yourself in compromising situations by staying under the same roof? And please, lets stop staying under the same roof & say "we are in different rooms." What about that ONE night where you missed him or her SO much.. that you slept-walked your tail right into their bed & OOPS, while nobody was looking walked right into sex outside of marriage. Someone is always looking and that is Christ.
Let me break down cohabitation really quick because a certain famous singer said it was ok on TV to live together before marriage.
It ain't biblical. Sexual immorality is condemned in about 25 passages in the New Testament. The Greek word for cohabitation is porneia, a word which includes all forms of illicit sexual intercourse. Jesus taught, "For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man 'unclean'" (Mark 7:21-23).
Paul said, "It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God" (1 Thess. 4:3-5).
Marriage is God's plan. Marriage provides intimate companionship for life (Gen. 2:18). It provides a context for the procreation and nurture of children (Eph. 6:1-2). And finally, marriage provides a godly outlet for sexual desire (1 Cor. 7:2).
(This is me & the now hubby when we were just courting. He would meet me right inside the entrance of the Westin. It's so cool that we now hold the Pinky Promise Conferences at the Westin. This was April of 2009!)
1 Corinthians 10:13 says:
The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.
What does the end of that verse say? It says "when you are tempted, He will show you a way out"-- now, God will show you a WAY out before you get into that bed. While you're on the plane to go visit. While you're thinking about what you want to do physically. While this .. or that. But YOU have a choice. So, what are you choosing in your relationship? Are you choosing to stay under the same roof? Are you choosing to place yourself in compromising situations?
My now husband and I didn't travel together or go on vacation while we courted. For what? To stay up in a hotel room and put ourselves in every more compromising situations? We weren't married and boyfriends don't get husband privileges. My body didn't BELONG to my then boyfriend.
We once traveled to my parents house and Cornelius flew to New York and we rented a car and drove to Michigan (17 hour trip!) We didn't stop at a hotel on the way there and Cornelius drove the ENTIRE 17 hours! As soon as we got there, I dropped him off at a hotel so he can go to sleep & I went back to my parents house. He called everyday when he was ready and I met him at the entrance of the hotel. I didn't go up to his room and "watch" a movie or "cuddle." Matter of fact, we didn't watch movies OR cuddle. Again, why would you even put yourself in those situations? One rub leads to a touch, leads to something else. We both knew our equipment worked, so why even test out something and end up feeling guilty, condemned or whatever else? 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us to "Abstain from every form of evil." Abstain defined means: To refrain from something by one's own choice. So, you have a choice to either choose God or to choose to live for satan. Stop telling me that you love Jesus if you keep that person in your bed. John 8:44 says that your father is the the devil because you love the things that he loves. What are some things that he loves?
- Lust
- Fornication
- Adultery
- All types of evil
- Sexual sins
- Tempting situations
So, the point of this blog is for you to know that yes, things can work but Christ must be in the center of it all. I would get on a plane and leave New York and know that I will get right back on the plane and return to New York with a hug only. And a church hug at that! My husband and I
waited to kiss until our wedding day so there was no nothing prior to 8/14/2010.
So, here's some practical tips of makin' things work when you're long distance.
1. Communication is key. All you have is the phone and computer so you have to set time aside in your busy schedule to TALK and communicate. Cornelius used to work at this job where he worked 60+ hours a week and was extremely busy. Although I was very busy as well, I noticed that sometimes, we wouldn't chat everyday. It bothered me. How are you going tell me that you love me & that you want to marry me one day and you refuse to text or pick up the phone but you can post on facebook? I told him that he makes time for what is important to him and if he wants me in his life, he's going to have to make me a priority by picking up the phone, even if he is "tired." From that point in the courtship on, he called me and texted me throughout the day. Remember, that a person makes time for what is important to them.
2. Be creative! Although we didn't go to the movies together (only went 1x) we had a date night, together-- but in different cities! We found a movie that was playing at the same time and we went
alone in our individual cities and talked about the movie afterward!
3. Be patient. It costs money at times to set up boundaries, such as paying for a hotel room, etc. See if you can crash with friends or family nearby but make a point to not stay under the same roof, even if you've done it before. Remember, that we want God to honor our relationships and if we are gonna live this thing, we have to give 100% of our hearts to Jesus. Sex outside of marriage AND foreplay "clouds" your vision of that person. You don't see them for who they are because you're blinded by sex. So, once you stop having sex or get married-- the smoke clears & you're like... did he always walk with a limp?
4. Purchase your flights on Tuesdays! They are always cheapest!
5. Avoid late night convos! We refused to talk on the phone super late because if we stay on the phone all night long, we will be too tired to get up and pray the next day & function at work. We refused to be a distraction to each other! So, we made a point to talk to each other as soon as we got off work and then again after dinner.
6. Set boundaries and KEEP them when you're traveling to different states to meet one another. I know you missed each other but running and jumping and "bear" hugging each other ... well, can I be honest? You will naturally feel each others goodies through that hug & you may want more? Don't front like you don't know! :)
7. Guard your heart. Make sure that you don't have people in your ear talking crazy about sex outside of marriage or "your relationship won't work" when you KNOW for a fact that it's God. I actually had a friend tell me that my now husband "wasn't" the one because he was a leader & she was used to me leading my past relationships. Needless to say, we aren't friends anymore. We got married & became one, so if you don't like my hubby, you don't like me.
8. Get my husband's book, "
So, You Want To Be Married?"-- seriously. At the end of the book, there's over 200+ questions that you should ask each other "Before you Say I Do." We asked each other those questions on that 17 hour trip from NYC to Michigan. So, if it seems like you want MORE to talk about, start there. You will ask each other questions like, "What is your Purpose", to "How important is sex within marriage" or "How do you plan on raising your children," or "Describe your upbringing what you would do differently with your children."
9. Trust the God in him or her. The cool thing about being long distance is that you have NO choice but to really trust that person. So, settle in your heart that they are God's best (after GOD has showed you) and that you will simply believe the best, even if you cannot get in touch with them after a few hours.
10. Surprise each other!! I remember a time where Cornelius was super hungry and mentioned that he was in a bunch of meetings that day. So, I ordered food, paid for it and had it delivered to him. And vice versa! He would send me flowers to work or write me poems, etc. So, surprise each other with little things like letters, care packages and whatever else!
11. Bonus: Take turns visiting each other. One person doesn't want to feel like they're putting in ALL of the effort to make the relationship work. Both sides must sacrifice in order to make the relationship work! But remember, boundaries, boundaries & more boundaries when ya'll do see other!
If I can be totally transparent, being long distance made me love & appreciate my now husband even more because I remember those days where I had to get back on a plane and go back to New York. Now, I get to see him daily! Not only that, we both work from home together all day and we travel 50% out of every month! Since we've been married, we've been to over 100 states & countries together! It's almost like God said, "ok, you want to honor me while courting & you refuse to go on vacations together.. now you're married & you honored me.. let me honor you."
Remember, that it's all temporary. One day, you will get married and wake up to each other every single day. So don't fret.
And if things didn't work out with someone long distance, don't let it turn you off from trying to work things out with someone else. The difference is this: Your commitment to Christ. If you're both focused on Him-- you're on the same page going towards ONE goal, which is pleasing HIM. So, it's going to take some extra sacrifice & work, but you're marrying someone not that you can live WITH, but someone you cannot LIVE without.. even if they are a few states away. So, if you know that person is RIGHT, don't let your emotions from NOT seeing each other make you feel like "this isn't going to work." Instead, develop THROUGH those emotions & give that care to God. That person cannot fix you, only Christ can do that.
Just a few things:
1. I opened up a Pinky Promise Boutique!!! Think modest, fashionable, affordable clothes for women! Check it out via www.pinkypromiseboutiques.com
2. We have developed an APP! Think: daily post notifications + weekly devotionals, recipes and so much more! It's out NOW for iphones + Androids. Under Heather & Cornelius Lindsey: Today With the Lindsey's
3. If you live in Atlanta, I want to invite you to our church. Join us on Sundays at 11:00am at Landmark Art Cinemas. Our churches name is: "The Gathering Oasis" 931 Monroe Drive NE Atlanta, GA.
4. My book is selling like crazy! I'm so thankful for all of you that have supported! Check it out here: My New Book! Pink Lips & Empty Hearts: www.PinkLipsAndEmptyHearts.com AND my new book, "A Perfect Recipe" here!
5. Register for the 2014 Pinky Promise in Atlanta, GA! It sold out last year, so you don't want to miss out!www.pinkypromiseconference.com
6. As always, you can join a Pinky Promise group locally! There's about 17,000 ladies that have joined! Find a group near you by joining & checking out the intro page! Join here:www.PinkyPromiseMovement.com
God loves you like crazy,
Heather Lindsey
