"I Don't Feel Loved In My Marriage"

As I was scrolling through social media, I came across a blog with these words, " I don't feel loved in my marriage so I am leaving it."

My heart literally broke in two because I wondered how many people were reading this blog and forming an opinion of their marriage because at some point or another, you have felt that way in your marriage. I also wondered how many single people were reading the blog and forming an unrealistic idea of marriage. I'm currently writing a book on marriage so I figured I would share a snippet of a chapter because that blog literally lined up with what I was talking about in that chapter.

How many times has my husband felt unloved by me in the about 10 years we've been together?
Too many to count. 

How many times have I felt unloved by my husband?
Too many to count. 

Is my marriage headed towards divorce?
Absolutely not.

How many times has God felt unloved by you?
Too many times to count

How many times have you ran from Jesus?
Too many times to count. 

As a believer,  love the example of Jesus. He gives me perspective on every relationship, including my marriage. What happens when Jesus doesn't feel loved by you? What if He just left you? What if He just quit on you? Does Jesus make you happy 100%? It's impossible to make you happy all of the time because we are made up of this flesh, carnal nature. One minute we are living for Jesus and the next minute, we think about and want things that we know that we can't have.

 Listen to me - to everyone who is single or married and never forget this:

Just because you don't at times feel loved in your marriage, it is not an excuse to leave it. The danger in leaving your marriage for someone who "loves" you better is that you may get more of what you think you need in order to be happy while compromising in another area. He may touch you more, clean up around the house and work a job but he may also be touching another woman. Your husband was a great leader, he just didn't use words of affirmation. The next man will post about you all day and night and affirm you but that's about it. He's a terrible leader and spiritually, you have to lead the marriage because he gives you the control. Maybe your last husband had no job and your new boo is a lawyer. But instead of coming home to you he works and travels non-stop. Any free time he does have, he goes to the bar with his buddies. Pick your poison. Every marriage gets to work OUT their marriage to make it work. There's GOING to be conflict along the way. The question before I do is, "Find out his issue and see if you can live with it for the rest of your life." Because.. it may never change. But, I am talking to those of you who are currently married.

If our measuring stick for leaving your marriage is "I don't feel loved" then it's simply NOT good enough. Yes, you may be going through a tough time. Yes, your husband may not understand you, Yes you may be frustrated but do you remember your vows? "For Better or For Worse" will get tested. No HUMAN on this entire earth is going to be able to make you happy 100% of the time. The fight you're fighting is a spiritual one, not a physical one. Your enemy is NOT your spouse, its the devil. Some of you are in marriages right now and it's a pretty healthy marriage, you just have some areas where you're not happy. You've grown WEARY. You constantly wait for him to "change" but he never does. So, then do you just leave? So, you have this good man but this man doesn't meet up to the image of who you think he should be in your head?

Who told you that he has to be some other image?

Social media? Comparing your marriage to another marriage? Your family? A friend who recently divorced and bashes all marriages? Your messy single friends or that one single friend that would love to be married to your man?

Maybe it's not your spouse? Maybe it's you? Maybe you're completely unlovable. Maybe you're constantly psychoanalyzing him, trying to be his mama, maybe you treat him like trash and disrespect him. Maybe you nag and criticize him into a corner.

No, I cannot cheer you on for leaving.

Please hear my heart that I do understand cases where there's divorce and it's unwanted. Maybe your husband left you and ran off with some 18 year old. Maybe he cheated so many times or maybe he has physically abused you to the point where you are FORCED to leave. Now, I am not talking to those cases. That is called abandonment and it's NEVER ok for him to treat you that way. I am specifically talking to men that actually come home to their wives, he works an honest job, goes to church and he is TRYING to be good to you. You may not see all of the effort that you want to see, but you see SOME of it.

Isn't it crazy how we focus on what our spouse is doing but we don't make them 100% happy? Kinda hypocritical right? (And, I'm talking to myself too)

How do I know that you may not be the most loveable person at times?

Because I was her.

I was the most complaining, "higher than thou" wife. My husband felt like nothing that he did was good enough for me. That nagging, complaining, discontent spirit from my single days showed its ugly face in my marriage.

So, what do I do when I don't feel loved in my marriage?

I love.
Let me challenge you with this:

1 Corinthians 13:1-10 tells us:
"If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.  It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless.
 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.
Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love."

Did you read verse 4? It says that Love is PATIENT.

What does patience mean?
The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset:

Whoa.
So, I'm supposed to love without getting upset? But HE troubled me. He made me suffer. He ignored me! He won't get a job! He won't touch me and he knows my love language is TOUCH. He really hurt me in the past. He cheated on me. YES, I forgive him and we moved on but I have a hard time being patient with him.

Love doesn't demand it's own way. 

"You don't LISTEN. I am more spiritual. I am better with money. I am a better leader. I have more schooling. Let's do it THIS way."

It's it amazing that we are serving in the church, helping people and doing all of these things but we don't love the person that we share a bed with? That is your first ministry. Your HOME ministry. You hate your own husband. How can we say that we really love Jesus but we hate the one we are ONE with?

I like 1 John 4:20, it says "If someone says, "I love God," but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don't love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see?"

But Heather, my husband ain't saved. He hasn't cheated or anything but he won't turn to Jesus. I want to leave!

1 Peter 3:1 tells us, "In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by your quiet and gentle spirit."

I can tell you this. With every test of "love" I have passed, GOD HAS REWARDED ME. In those times where I wanted to leave my marriage or run - I STAYED and ENDURED and TRUSTED God to change ME and my spouse. (Guess that's what happens when two alpha personalities marry!) AND I watched God grow our love, our ministry, and our life anoint us for our obedience. I have watched the Lord use my husband to reveal my heart and weaknesses. I have watched myself change and get better because of those tough times.

It takes NOTHING to quit on your marriage. Your marriage will force you to grow, mature, develop and CHANGE. If your marriage has grown apart, it's because you let it. Don't give satan an open door. Don't let him in to destroy your marriage. Do your part, God will reward you!

If you're fighting with your spouse now - text him right now and go get your marriage back. Don't give the devil an open door into your life or marriage. Not now, not tomorrow or the next day.

I challenge you right now to write out 10 things that you love about your spouse. Starting, now. Focus on those things vs. what he isn't doing.

I see God healing marriages right now. I see restoration in broken marriages right now. I see hope again.

In Jesus name.

God loves you like crazy,

Love always,
Heather Lindsey

1. The 2017 Pinky Promise Conference was EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like literally. Here's the night I taught on "Running From God." Registration is open now! www.pinkypromiseconference.com 

2. Ah, I'm SO excited that the Pinky Promise Movement page has a new look! Check it out HERE. 

3. ALSO, the Pinky Promise Boutique has a new look too PLUS a ton of cute MODEST, FAB, CLOTHES, jewelry, promise rings, clothes, journals, etc! Check it out HERE.

4. Be sure to check my calendar to see if I'm in your city soon! (under Calendar)

5. Are you in Atlanta? Come and visit our church! We are in Sandy Springs! The Gathering Oasis Church - we meet at the Galloway Private School in the Amphitheatre. 215 W Wieuca Rd NW Atlanta, GA 30327 every Sunday at 10AM EST.

5. My New Book, Silent Seasons was on the Amazon Best Seller's List as the #1 in New Releases and in Religious for 5 weeks! ahh!! Find it HERE.  or on Amazon/Kindle/Ibooks/Audio Book.

6. My dear friends, Havilah Cunnington and Lisa Bevere have an amazing 12 part series titled #MomOfMen - teaching you how to raise godly children. Sign up now and recieve a FREE e-book. You can sign up HERE.

Our wedding day :) 8/14/10

"How to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage"

Our sweet wedding day! 8/14/2010

Let's be honest, nobody gets married with the intent to get divorced. You get married with the mindset that it's "til death due us part." Then, you are in your marriage and then you find out that you had a certain expectations in marriage that you don't feel like are getting met. Then, you begin to compare your marriage to others, nag your spouse, then he's already stressed out and then he begins to work longer and doesn't open up so you vent to your mama, sisters and girlfriends and then you both live two completely different lives, under the same roof. You kinda feel like roommates.

Those days are coming to an end. Right now. Marriages are getting tested and hit so hard, it's so important that we do OUR part to make our marriages work. Yes, it's hard. Yes, there's times where I don't think my husband "deserves" it. Yes, its a constant sacrifice. Yes, you will develop and grow in your marriage. Yes, it will stretch you like NEVER before. And, I'm 110% confident that my husband feels the same way towards me. Marriage is beautiful work. The reality is that no relationship is perfect. If people are portraying perfection then they aren't telling the whole truth. And they don't have to share their tests with you. EVERY  marriage is working itself out & going through hurdles, beautiful times, rough storms and whatever else.

There's seasons to marriage.

Now, we are in the 6th year of our marriage and we've been together for 8 years. So, how do I know we aren't getting divorced? Honey, if we were gonna get divorced it would have happened in year one. It was ROUGH. I am thankful for those rough times because now we are in a different season in our marriage. I had to press past those feelings that my life was better outside of my marriage and recognize that everything I needed was right under the roof of Cornelius Lindsey. INCLUDING my purpose. It was all right there. And, if I left my covering, I left the calling on our marriage and I am not willing to do that.  I stood before God and I said my vows which included saying "I do" to a lot of things that I "don't." Like, picking up his socks and dirty dishes that he leaves everywhere! :) Instead of complaining about housework or the fact that he doesn't clean up much around the house - I instead focus on his strengths and I go pick up those socks. He's a GREAT husband, father, leader, pastor and visionary. He literally started a church from the bottom and it's thriving. He is caring, loving and kind. He constantly considers me and our children. He never stays out late and he ALWAYS puts us first. He has godly friends. He's always home by 5pm - ready to love on and serve me & our children. You see, these are just a COUPLE of the great things about my husband! AND, they cancel out the few pet peeves. Isn't it funny how satan just gets in our head and tries to get us mad at our spouses about small things? Your issue may not be socks. It could be something big like adultery or if your husband stays out late. Well, I think that there's something beautiful about letting God change YOU and then you will watch your husband change.

You may be thinking I'm kinda' crazy especially since I don't know your husband. Well, I do know the One who created your husband in his mother's womb and His name is God. He sent His only son down to the earth to die for our sins and reconcile us back to Him through Jesus Christ. He defeated death. He defeated sin. He won for us. Can He NOT heal and fix your marriage? Can He not give you wisdom on him since He created your husband? I found that when my marriage what at it's worst, my mouth and attitude was at it's worse. I was nagging my husband's every move, I was rebellious and I didn't submit to him. How can I expect a good marriage if I refuse to develop in self control and I blame my husband for the discontentment birthed in me as a single? I realized that I have a PART to play in the success of my marriage. I cannot blame my rejection growing up, my insecurity or whatever else. I had to take responsibility for Heather. And, as women, I pray that you do the same. You know I love ya'll and I just want to see you thriving in marriage and showing others that God heals dead marriages!

So, whether you're courting, engaged or married - I wanted to share a few things that I've learned.

1. It is the Holy Spirit's job to change my husband, my job is to pray for Him. No, seriously. My nagging, complaining and whatever else will only temporarily get my husband to change. So, he will do certain things just to shut me up - not because it's real. When the Holy Spirit gets a hold of your husband, that change is eternal. 

2. Don't freak out when he tells you crazy stories from the gym, when he went paintballing or in general. I want him to share everything with me & he won't if I get overly emotional & motherly on his tail. Who wants to sleep with their mother? Nobody. Thus, let's stop talking down as if your husband isn't grown himself. And, what if he does hurt himself rock climbing up some mountain? Well, you'll be there to nurse him to health & help him to feel better. That's the testosterone in a man, sis! Just revert back to #1 and pray that He has wisdom on what to do. 

3. Marriage is a journey. So you marry someone who doesn't have your deal breakers and.. Then get ready to go on a journey. If my hubby doesn't "figure it out" in a certain area by year 2, he will figure it out in year 4. Be patient. You're both growing.  My hubby is GROWING into my dream guy. And, He is things that I didn't even know that I wanted or needed. Like, the biggest family man ever! Our family is together about 21 hours of the day and we LOVE it! #Grace

4. Shut up. Yup. We both shut up a lot with each other. There's no point in arguing because we aren't divorcing. Choose your battles. We pursue peace like crazy in our home, put on our big girl & boy pants & act like Christian adults. If an argument gets heated, we use the code word "Jesus" and all arguments cease until a later time when emotions aren't so high. 

5. Protect your marriage. Me & my husband are one flesh and I want make sure others see him like they see me. I will always be his number one fan and vice versa. I ain't sharing our arguments with people who will hold onto it long after we made up. Meaning, I am not calling my mama and complaining to her because although I may forgive my husband - it may take her longer to forgive. Although my mother is amazing and very loving - I'm still her baby girl. #Protection

6. We don't bring up the past. It's behind us for a reason. Move on. #Grace

7. If your spouse is saying a concern, listen. They know you best and believe them. #Mirror

8. You better learn to be content broke or with money because that can make or break your marriage. We had a season our first year of marriage where we ate rice for dinner most nights. I lit a candle and we had a candlelight dinner. And, you better believe if we ever got evicted, we would be evicted together in a tent on the street. Cuddling. For richer or for poor will get tested. #HesMine

9. He loves me like Christ loves the church and submits to God and I submit to him as onto the Lord. He's my leader. And, God honors us because we honor him.

10. If I ever feel like ministry or life is getting too busy and we aren't focused on each other, I tell Cornelius ..and he shuts his whole day down to spend it with me. I use my concerns wisely. I don't use them emotionally so this happens maybe 1-2x a year. We got work to do but family is first after God. #MarriageGodsWay 

11. Laugh a lot. Stop taking everything so serious!! Literally, find what is funny and do that together. (Make sure it's biblical/not making fun of others, etc)

12. Be his biggest cheerleader! The world is going to try to tear him down and when he walks into his home, He shouldn't get the same treatment - even if you don't think he deserves it. 

13. A rough patch in your marriage doesn't define your marriage. It's just a moment. Press through it and fight for your marriage and stop fighting each other. 

14. Your marriage is what you make it - so make it so good!

15. Use discernment when bringing up issues (example: if my husband just got done preaching, it's not the time to dump all of my issues onto him)

16. Your husband is not your God. He cannot solve all of your problems and fix your crazy thoughts. Only Jesus can do that so if you're feeling disconnected from your husband it may be because you're feeling disconnected to God. Let Him show you what to do. Our first relationship with with Jesus and then our spouse.

17. Find time to go to marriage retreats together. YOU NEED that time where you grow together. Our church, The Gathering Oasis has a marriage retreat every year. If you cannot make this one, find one locally but get away and try to attend one a year. You have to remember why you started together. This years retreat is Sept 31-August 4th in Scottsdale, AZ.

18. Don't let your children become first. It's hard when your kids scream louder than your husband but it's important that your husband still feels first and the kids second (of course with Jesus as your foundation). I love Logan but I make it clear to him that I make daddy's & logan's plate together but mommy serves daddy first. And, he helps me serve him. I want to make sure Logan sees it so when he starts courting, he understands how he should be treated by a woman. I don't want to look up to an empty nest "home" in 20 years and I don't know my husband because I spent more time grooming and serving my kids while ignoring my husband. Granted, if Logan is super hungry - my hubby will make him food or I will really quick but on a average day, I want him to see that I get to serve my husband.

19. Schedule date days! Every Friday, we have our date lunch and every Saturday is our family day. It's so important that you are intentional with your family.  Your family life is as strong as your marriage.

20. Lastly, seek the Lord with all of your heart and spend time with Him daily. Pray for your spouse, ask the Lord to help you to love him. Ask the Lord to help him to love you like Christ loved the church.

BONUS: Tell yourself that you have no plan "b" and that divorce is not an option. In our home, we have decided that we will not divorce. That word isn't even allowed in our thoughts or conversations! So, if you have a plan b - you need to cut that person off, quit the job because that man keeps giving you attention and do whatever else it takes to guard your heart.

You may read this and say, "Heather, this won't work for me. I have a one-sided marriage." Well, I know I've loved my husband when I felt like he didn't deserve it. My husband loved me when I didn't deserve it. We are all taking steps to love like Jesus loves us. That's the kind of marriage I want to have - a marriage centered around Christ, loving HIS way. Give marriage His way a chance. You never know what He could do to restore your marriage.

Well, that's all for now! I love you all!

Just a few things:

1. Find my (4) books (including my NEW book, "The Runaway Bride"), purity rings, shirts & all that good stuff via pinkypromiseboutiques.com!

2. We have developed an APP! Think: daily post notifications + weekly devotionals, recipes and so much more! It's out NOW for iphones + Androids. Under: Heather & Cornelius Lindsey: Today With the Lindsey's

3.  If you live in Atlanta, I want to invite you to our church. Join us on Sundays at 11:00am. Our churches name is: "The Gathering Oasis"  3600 Snapfinger Rd Lithonia, GA 30038

4. Register for the 2016 Pinky Promise in Atlanta, GA! It sold out last year so you don't want to miss out! www.pinkypromiseconference.com

5. We are headed to London for the Holy Desperation Conference! Join us! www.lindseysinlondon2016.eventbee.com 

6. As always, you can join a Pinky Promise group locally! There's about 45,000 ladies that have joined! Find a group near you by joining & checking out the intro page! Join here: www.PinkyPromiseMovement.com

God loves you all like crazy!

Love,

Heather Lindsey 

"I Want to Leave My Marriage"

Just to be clear, I don't want to leave my husband. I love my husband dearly and what God put together, aint NOTHING tearing apart. I can't imagine my life without my king on this earth. We have decided that divorce isn't an option and that we will work through everything.

BUT, I've spoken to many of you that want to leave your marriage. I've heard things like,

"But Heather, He's not a believer and God didn't put us together." 

"I married the wrong one." 

"I rushed into marriage and he won't change." 

"He keeps lying to me, I don't deserve this! I'm LEAVING!"

You may look at my marriage and think, "It's perfect."  You waited for Gods best and you waited to kiss until your wedding day. I bet you never have problems. 

HUH? 

Honey, I can write this blog with great conviction because we got into a FEW huge arguments and I was on the floor in my closet screaming out to God, "I MARRIED THE WRONG ONE!!!" God, WHY didn't you TELL me??!! I wanted to leave my marriage during the first year of our marriage at least 20 times. We had no ministry, nobody knew us so I started to plan out the divorce in my head. Where I would move and what I would do. It all made sense. 

Then, God stopped me in my tracks. Heather, you prayed for this, didn't you? Yes, Lord! I prayed for this man but this development I did not. 

I learned that my marriage is a MIRROR. It shows me my mess. It shows me all of the baggage I tried to hide, it showed me my hurts, it shows me my pains & made me vulnerable  It shows me where I'm selfish. It shows me myself and I didn't like it. I didn't want to see myself. I didn't want Cornelius to wash me with the water of the word (Ephesians 5) because I thought I knew everything. I wanted to RUN from my development. I wanted comfort. I thought maybe if I run back to my past I would feel comfort again but in that moment I decided to turn to God. I knew that the illusion of the grass being greener on the other side was simple that, just an illusion. ONCE I destroyed my marriage, I would find out that the grass isn't as green because I've always been the common denominator. I played a part in my own destruction. I learned that SATAN is after my marriage and I opened the door WIDE open and I gave him a chance to tap dance on my marriage.

 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,and do not give the devil a foothold." - Ephesians 4:26-27

I walked around in my marriage (both of us did)-- with the cold shoulder. And as we hardened our hearts towards each other, God couldn't penetrate and we hardened our hearts towards him. THEN you don't wanna spend time with God because you know if you spend time with God He's gonna check you and show you YOUR heart. AND you don't want to change because you don't think it's you, you think it's your spouse.

This journey has been far from perfect. Matter of fact, it's plain hard at times so I can empathize with you when things get hard. You want your guy to change. You pray, you share with him what upsets you and it seems like he STILL doesn't listen! He still leaves his dirty socks everywhere, refuses to do the dishes and help you with the kids or whatever else. He ignores your love language and it seems like he doesn't even try. 

My question to you is this, what does he do right? 

It's so easy to focus on everything he ISN'T doing while IGNORING the things he DOES do well. 

Write a list of the wonderful things that your spouse does and stop comparing him to your friends husbands. Did you know that one of the greatest gift you can give your man is contentment? Most of us are so not content with our man that we complain, nag and act like his mama and we wonder why he doesn't like you or want to be around you. You bring up everything that bothers you and you have no filter in your marriage. You're a emotional train wreck and you blame him for everything. He doesn't feel like he does anything right with you because you're so mean and critical towards him. He has pretty much given up on trying to please you because you are UNPLEASEABLE. He takes 10 steps forward and you knock him 20 steps back, reminding him of his past and what he isn't doing as a man. Its hard for him to be around you because you're always mad at something. You play the silent treatment all while attending your church meetings and you're getting all of this information and you're using it to tell him what he needs to do. And after you attend your conferences, you shove the information and books in his place and you missed the entire point of the conference. YOU were at the conference so it can convict YOU but all you thought about.. once again is what he should do to change. 

Newsflash:

Your man doesn't need a mother, he needs a wife. He needs a helpmeet. 

My question to you is this: HOW are you helping him? 

"Well, Heather-- he aint got no purpose, no nothing. He ain't doing what he's supposed to be doing." 

There you go again. You're blaming him for what he isn't doing. Maybe he's not doing what he's supposed to do but God made you HIS helpmeet. So are you HELPING him in accomplishing what God called him to do or are you too busy focusing on what you think he needs to be to qualify as a good husband?

Maybe he's got a passion for art. He's super creative. He loves it but you bash every idea because it doesn't "pay the bills." Everytime he tries to share his dreams with you, you CRUSH them. No wonder why he wants to be around his friends all of the time and not you. This isn't to bash you sis, this is your sister in Christ LOVING you. I WANT YOUR MARRIAGE TO WORK.  I can understand where you are because I've been that nagging woman that tried to change her man. AND you leaving your spouse affects not only you, but me, the rest of the body of Christ and your future generation of children.  

You may say, "Heather, I'm not HAPPY in my marriage." Honey, happy is relative. One day you're happy. One day you're sad. It changes but true joy comes from the Lord. True joy comes from being patient in the midst of attacks and trusting God when it doesn't look like you should trust Him .. and yes that includes your marriage. You may be looking for me to give you a list of reasons or excuses to leave your marriage but I'm not going to give you one. I believe that we focus too much on reasons to leave than we do reasons to stay. And I have to be honest, some of you have experienced really crazy things in your marriage, things I may never understand BUT I am assured of this: 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

The scripture says, "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things."This is what LOVE does. True, unconditional, the world calls you crazy kinda love does this. It doesn't give up, it doesn't quit. It presses through BEYOND it's emotions and it trusts God when it doesn't look like it should. Now, if you are getting physically abused I DO recommend counseling and for the couple to get HELP. If your husband is abusing you, he has an anger problem and I believe that God can even heal that. (whoaaaa, Heather! How dare you?) Yes, I believe that God can heal a broken, battered, marriage. If you're dealing with infidelity in your marriage my heart breaks for you. I'm sure it's very difficult and painful and its stretching you to your breaking point. The best thing to do is  “turn all your worries over to Him. He cares about you” (1 Peter 5:7). Go to the Lord for comfort, wisdom, and direction on a daily basis. God can help us through the deepest of trials.

Adultery is always wrong. “God will judge the person who commits adultery” (Hebrews 13:4). If you've been hurt by this, you have to trust that God is the avenger. Don't rush out and try to get revenge by sleeping with someone else. Love God so much that you would never want to do anything to hurt  Him.  God will do a much better job that you can concerning vengeance. 

So, what do we do moving forward?

FORGIVE. “Forgive people when they sin against you. If you do, your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive people their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14, 15). This may seem impossible, and it will take time, but with God’s grace the victim can make it an act of the will in obedience to God’s Word. To harbor bitterness will affect attitudes, emotions, and the desire to obey God, and it will negatively affect everyday decisions. Refusal to forgive is more detrimental to the offended party than it is to the offender. This does not mean that the betrayed spouse is not going to suffer the effects of deep hurt. Forgiveness also does not make the offense “okay.” Forgiveness is about receiving God’s grace and trusting Him to redeem everything in our lives. It is appropriate to engage the anger and hurt caused by infidelity. Expressing these emotions to God can be a first step toward true forgiveness. Forgiveness is an act of the will, but it also must be heartfelt. Giving our emotions and needs over to God allows Him to minister to our hearts so that we can let go of the offense and forgive as we have been forgiven.

BE FORGIVEN. “But God is faithful and fair. If we admit that we have sinned, He will forgive us our sins. He will forgive every wrong thing we have done. He will make us pure” (1 John 1:9). Repent to your spouse for the part that you played in the destruction of your marriage. EVEN if you don't think you played a part. EVEN if you don't think they deserve it. EVEN if you want to kill them.  When you move your emotions out of the way, the His Holy Spirit will enable you to do what you could not do on your own. “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).

Then, as God leads, forgiveness and reconciliation can follow. No matter how long it takes, every effort must be made to forgive and reconcile. (See Matthew 5:23–24.) .

So, if you want to really leave, let's look at some practical steps. 

1. Start praying for your spouse if you haven't already. Pray that God softens their heart and that God raises your dead marriage. 

2. Expect tests and trials. There's something beautiful on the other side of the attacks that come your way and if you hang in there long enough, your marriage will get better and better and sweeter and sweeter if you stick around to see it. 

3. Fast from nagging and being critical. Just stop. 

4. When you have the urge to address something, take it to God first to see if He wants you to say anything. Everything isn't worth an argument and in comparison to eternity.. most of the silly arguments you haven't aren't worth it.. 

5. Heather, God didn't put me with him. What do I do? My response doesn't matter but HIS does matter. Lets see what the bible says:

1 Peter 3:1-6 

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands,

1 Corinthians 7:13

If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.

1 Peter 3:1-22

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands,

1 Peter 3:1

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,

Ephesians 5:22

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

Proverbs 15:1

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

1 Peter 3:1-5

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands.

Titus 2:3-5

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

1 Corinthians 7:15

But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.

Ephesians 5:21 

Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

1 Corinthians 11:3 

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

I know it may be tempting to quit. I know you don't see a way out. Remember that God gives you a way out of EVERY temptation if you don't QUIT.  (1 Corinthians 10:13) God shows you a better way and that is His way. God so sees marriage as permeant and we should see it that way too. I want to encourage you to stay faithful to God, your husband and to fight FOR your marriage and not against it. You both are on the SAME team. Fight together. It's the BOTH of you AGAINST that situation, NOT you vs. him. When I want my husband to change, I take it to the Lord and I sift it past Him. MOST times, He tells me to hush up and HE will change him. Now, that's hard for me. I have a very strong personality and I almost feel like I NEED to express myself. I had to learn to win him over with my quiet and gentle spirit. My husband would ask me what was wrong.. and I would say, "Nothing sweetheart." And it's NOT being passive, it's that I have given it to God so what was wrong is NO longer wrong with me. And he's right. .there's a lot wrong in ME that's not like Jesus and as Jesus purges it out of me, I want to make sure I'm being the BEST wife to my husband. He isn't my God. He is my husband. I'm thankful for him but my hope aint in him, it's in Jesus Christ and eternity is on my mind. 

My mother gave me some wonderful advice when I first got married. She said, "Get a life heather. You cannot be so wrapped up in your husband that you keep tabs on him 24-7. You cannot depend on  him for your happiness, only God can do that." 

Welp, I got up in my marriage and I got a life while I was still submitted to my husband. I picked up hobbies and I was intentional about making sure that my hope was in Jesus and not man.

If you're still reading.. sister, I can relate to you. I know things are hard. I know you don't understand. I know you want out. I know you've read stories of women who left their marriages and they are happy now. I know you're trying to wonder if that could be you. I tell you this: Compare you life to Jesus only and ask the Holy Spirit what you should do. If you're too busy and too cluttered, you will never hear from the Lord and the voices of many will send you to divorce court. So, protect your marriage. Get an accountability couple that won't tell all of your business and that will push you towards the word. Most of all, spend crazy time with God and stay on your face until HE instructs you. 

God healed my dead marriage. It's still not perfect. But we are working towards perfection daily. He can heal yours too. 

Books I recommend for broken marriages:

1. I'm Married, Now What? - Cornelius Lindsey

2. Created to Be His Help Meet- Debi Pearl

3. The Love Dare 

Just a few things:

1. I  opened up a Pinky Promise Boutique!!! Think fashionable, fabulous purity rings, cross bracelets, journals, statement necklaces & so much more  for women! Check it out via www.pinkypromiseboutiques.com. Use code JESUS for 10% off!

2. We have developed an APP! Think: daily post notifications + weekly devotionals, recipes and so much more! It's out NOW for iphones + Androids. Under Heather & Cornelius Lindsey: Today With the Lindsey's

3.  If you live in Atlanta, I want to invite you to our church. Join us on Sundays at 11:00am at Landmark Art Cinemas. Our churches name is: "The Gathering Oasis"  931 Monroe Drive NE Atlanta, GA.

4. My book is selling like crazy! I'm so thankful for all of you that have supported! Check it out here: My New Book! Pink Lips & Empty Hearts:  www.PinkLipsAndEmptyHearts.com AND my new book,  Dusty Crowns, here! 

5. Register for the 2015 Pinky Promise in Atlanta, GA! It sold out last year, so you don't want to miss out! www.pinkypromiseconference.com 

6. As always, you can join a Pinky Promise group locally! There's about 27,000 ladies that have joined! Find a group near you by joining & checking out the intro page! Join here:www.PinkyPromiseMovement.com

God loves YOU, yes you like crazy,

Love you all dearly,

Heather Lindsey 

"Our Two Year Wedding Anniversary: 15 Things I've Learned"

Sooo, today is our 2 year wedding anniversary! I'm SOOO excited to be spending it with the man of my dreams and my best friend. I decided that it was fitting to share some of the things I've learned from marriage for the past two years. 

1. Marriage is work. I didn't know. I mean, you hear about it-- but in order to keep your marriage strong, you have to work it it. Meaning, you can't "starve" certain areas of your marriage. My husband said that it was important to him that I spoke to him in a sweet, respectful tone. I can't do it for two months & then start cockin' my neck at him & talking to him like he's a child a month later. You really have to listen, meet in the middle & pray often. 

2. The joys of "shut up."-- You ain't ready to get married if you aren't ready to meet in the middle (OR go all the way), shut up & choose your battles. Every single discussion isn't worth a full- blown-out argument. It's not worth it. Sometimes, if my husband thinks that he is right about an area and we've gone back & forth about it in the past.. I just rub his back and tell him ok, & I love him. And don't roll your eyes at me for that. It doesn't mean I'm a doormat. Who told you that WORDS would win your guy over?! 1 Peter 3:1 says to win your husband over without words but by your BEHAVIOR. 

3. My marriage is like no other. I cannot compare my husband to anybody else. He is Cornelius Lindsey & no other. He aint my ex, he aint some person on TV, he ain't anybody but WHO he is and how DARE I try to put pressure on him to be anything or anybody other than WHO God called him to be. He's an amazing man after God's own heart that presses INTO Christ daily. He listens to me, he's a beautiful leader & has a awesome vision. I am working with WHAT he got as God develops him in other areas. Let's all be honest, you have areas you need to work on too-- #grace. 

4. ME. I learned about me. Oh, I knew I had issues when I was single.. but I was pretty convinced that I was pretty close to perfect as I pursued God & lived for Him. lol. PLEASE! Marriage is a MIRROR that will show you YOURSELF. It's like my husband goes into my heart & plucks out (vice versa) areas in our hearts that don't look like God. God allows us to expose each other so HE can HEAL us. Our marriage brings HEALING. 

5. Everything doesn't always work out. T'is true. But now, you have someone to work things out with TOGETHER. There was a time period where my husband and I were having issues with our bank account & until it got settled, we had to eat rice just about everyday. WE didn't fight with each other, we laughed about it!! We enjoyed our rice & created meals out of nothing! We stuck together. In HARD times, don't QUIT. Work through them. Things will get better. GOD is our Provider alone. (matthew 6:33)

6. My husband aint me. Yeah, I have a SUPER happy personality. Even this morning-- I've been up since 6am waiting for my husband to wake up. As soon as he woke up, I started kicking like a little kid & he sat up & said "Please, just give me a minute"-- hahaha!! I KNOW my husband isn't a morning person. I'm pretty much on HIGH 24-7! So I had to really tune into the Holy Spirit & let Him lead me with my excitement. There's a time & place for that. My husband LOVES my happy personality but I also have to meet him in the middle at times. 

7. The head of every wife is her husband, the head of her husband is Christ and the head of Christ is God- 1 Corinthians 11:3. Imagine this with me. Take a knife & cut my head off (not really, but you  know), and cut my husbands head off.. and cut Christ's head off. Take my husband's head & place it on my body. Take Christ's head and place it on my husband. Where does my head go?! To my one day children. But as of right now, my head is gone & my husband's head is sitting on it. Which means my husband and I are ONE & HE is loving ME like HE would LOVE his own body. WHEN I look to my husband's body, on HIS head is CHRIST. So, as I SUBMIT myself to my husband, I'm really submitting my BODY to CHRIST. So it sure makes it a lot easier to submit to someone.. when the wife is constantly looking at CHRIST. 

8. Stay snatched. I learned that  you have to bend in the way you look. You are no longer dressing "cute" for anybody else but first your husband. My husband wasn't crazy about my blonde hair-- so now it's dark brown with highlights. I had to meet him in the middle. We work out to stay healthy & look good for each other. You gotta maintain this area. There is not thrown' down on KFC & Big Macs for dinner in our home. We eat HEALTHY meals. WE need to be around for a long time to preach, write books and everything else. 

9. God speaks to my husband better than me. Umm. yeah. This was a fun one to learn. I used to nag in the beginning of our marriage. HE NEEDED TO UNDERSTAND. Girl, bye. That man just went into the man cave of his heart & he won't be coming out anytime soon. I learned to rest & place my trust in God concerning my husband. YES, I still addressed issues in our marriage but at times, God would tell me to shut it up because HE was handling it. WE are help-meets. So are you helping or hindering him? Make sure you move out of the way so your guy can hear from God. 

10. My husband has my best interest at heart. I had to learn to trust him in this area. I had been SO hurt in past relationships. I had to LET my guard down & trust the GOD in him to lead our family, not abandon our marriage and to believe the best. EVEN in times IN our marriage where we said.. "WHY did I MARRY YOU!?" Yes-- we've had our share of arguments. Fights will happen. Things happen in marriage. God weans you and at times, it sure doesn't feel good. But it's for your good. If you just stick it out, you'll see the fruit of it. Our first thought shouldn't divorce.. but reconciliation. LOVE bears up under ANYTHING. (1 Cor 13:4) 

11. NEVER SLEEP APART. Even if you're arguing. FORCE your mad tail right back into bed. Don't let your spouse run you out of your bed. Arguments WILL happen. It's marriage. The bible tells us "not to let the sun go down while you're still angry"-Ephesians 4:26. Don't get in the habit of running out of your bed when you're upset. You'll create a habit of sleeping apart.. or in other places. No matter HOW bad the fight is.. tears & all, I know my husband and I will be right in that bed together that night. Thankfully, we don't fight as much as we did the first year. lol Matter of fact, we don't really fight at all anymore. We have mastered peace. 

12. Code Words: How have we mastered peace? Code words are your friend. If my husband and I get into an argument, we say "JESUS"-- meaning ALL arguments cease & we will not continue this conversation any further until our emotions settle. 

13. God can give you the hook up. I remember one day I was upset with Cornelius and God told me as I went for a drive-- "Heather, I created and know Cornelius. I can tell you how he functions & give you the inside on how to use wisdom with Him." Ummmm.. why didn't I THINK of that?! Thanks Jesus! :) lol 

14. My husband takes longer to cool down then me. If we have a heated discussion-- I can forgive and get over it in 2 minutes. My husband may need longer to settle down. I've learned to pull back and give him space to hear from God. 

15. Marriage is best, done God's way. So stop watching stupid reality TV shows of pretend marriages because you're comparing it to somebody's highlight reel of a marriage and then they end up divorced in a year. Your home is your vacation home. (that's what I call ours) Make it beautiful ladies. Be his cheerleader. Love him like crazy, spend a ton of time with God & let Him lead you. 


I am sensing in my spirit some people that may not feel like their spouse is really living for God. Sis, I want to encourage you to "win him over with your quiet & gentle spirit"- 1 peter 3:1. Just cling to God and believe the BEST. If he acts a fool, cook him breakfast and ask him if he needs anything else. PLEASE believe, I'm telling you to do it because I DID it. There's times where I thought we may not work out after a HUGE argument. I got quiet before God and I recall God's spirit spoke to me.. He said that His spirit was grieved because of the argument. He told me to forgive my husband and ask my husband to forgive me for what was said. Even though my feelings were still upset.. I still got my tail up & cooked. Pursue.. PEACE. THINGS will get better. Stay encouraged.

And Happy Anniversary to my king. I adore you. 

Have you signed up for Pinky Promise? There's local groups all over the world!
www.pinkypromisemovement.com

You can rock super cute bracelets & shirts at our Pinky Promise Store
www.heatherlove.bigcartel.com

Have you signed up for the Pinky Promise Conference? We would love to meet you!
www.pinkypromiseconference.com

God loves you like crazy,

Heather Lindsey